Sex. Who doesnt like it? Love it? And we all know we brag about our special talents behind closed doors that makes our partners come back for more.. and more... and just a little bit more for the road.. But we had to learn it somewhere.. And because sex, past relationships, and all things related have been a constant discussion in my many worlds, I feel it is appropriate to acknowledge the men that have made me the skilled booty buddy I am today.
The Foundation
I lost my virginity at 13. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done in my life. All I heard about sex from my parents was how I should wait til I was married to do it... All the music was telling me that it was something, once I had it, that I couldnt live with out... And apparently my hormones had a little inclination to go a little further than the staircase make out sessions I prided myself on in middle school. With all of that, I wanted to know what the big deal was. My "This Is It?" first experience removed all curiousity and I didnt start having sex again until I got to Howard.
My first boyfriend at Howard was a great lay. But seeing that I didnt know anything about sex, anything was great I guess. Sophomore year all that changed. My second year of college, 6 years after losing my virginity, I learned how to have sex.
I met a young man from Jersey, ironically, at my firsts apartment. He was handsome, funny, texted me all the time so I felt special.. You know all the gay and cliche shit someone could say about someone. At the time, I was in a long distance relationship and my need for physical contact was growing and I needed to fill that void. Jersey helped me with that in more ways than one.
He taught me everything a woman needed to know if she was even considering having sex. Had to take the D, how to perfect my arch, how ride effectively, what worked for my body the best... Everything you could learn in Sex 101... I have to admit that if it wasnt for him, I would have continued in the misconstrued thought that my sex was good when it probably below average.
Our sexual relationship lasted roughly a year and half. Another lesson I learned from him: A man appreciates pussy that he can hit up whenever, but after a while it gets boring. A man needs to pursue in some capacity, even if it is the same person. Its make the relationship, more fun and slightly more than sex. I didn't realize my flaw until after we stopped talking. I was always so eager to have sex that there were times I would blow his phone up and only after I looked back that I realized that that type of thirstiness is a turnoff for a man and a woman. But hindsight is always 20/20. Now I know better.
So to that young man, wherever he is, I thank you for laying down the foundation. Literally.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Environment Shift
Its amazing how a change in an enviroment can affect how you handle yourself. I returned to the once hated now greatly missed DC for my homecoming and my my my how things have stayed the absolute same. The atmosphere is still the same, the habits are the same, a good bit of people and their mindsets are the same. Nothing has really changed in my eyes.
During the month of September, I was having a hard time adjusting to my routine life here in Houston because there wasnt enough avenues to be social like Howard offered me. So needless to say I was excited to party and drink and make bad decisions with the excuse that "Its Homecoming!". All that excitement crumbled the second day of my trip. Ive never been a fan of crowds and that feeling didnt change when I got on campus. Plus there was a couple of folks I was not trying to run into and surprisingly despite how packed a place can be, those same people somehow always end up in your face.
I thought I would want to go somewhere and shake what little I have in my jeans because I had "missed" it so much. The moment I stepped into a house party and was grabbed on by men that had absolutely nothing to offer me, it clicked that I had grown up and was over this stuff. I had matured and was comfortable in my few niches. I loved chilling with my folks when I was there just like I do at home. I like visiting random places and meeting new people from different backgrounds just like I do here. I KNOW what I like, what I enjoy. Why I thought I was missing out on something once I left DC is beyond me. But I wouldnt have known that unless I came back to DC.
But while I learned about how I evolved into Dinah 3.0 over the past couple of months, the saying old habits die hard also held true. Bad habits in particular. And yes I knew that they would be waiting for me as soon as I stepped off the plane. And yes I contemplated how I would handle myself in said situations. But jeez, it was so easy to do what I wanted and not think of the consequences until I returned home. THERE IS NO SEX WITHOUT STRINGS. And the strings dont even have to be feelings for that person. It could be feelings for someone else that make you second guess your rendezvous the night before with someone who was just available.
I didnt pray once when I was in DC. I thanked God when I got on and off a plane but in the midst of the excitement, weed haze, sex texts, and a hint of alcohol, God was in the back of my mind waiting to be hit up just cuz. The same habit I was trying so desperately to fight when I was in DC. But because I was caught up in my new environment, I forgot what I had established in my comfort zone at home. Now that I know Im not where I need or want to be with my constant communication with the Lord, I have to work double time just in case my environment should happen to suddenly shift on me.
All this jibjab in a nutshell: When you realize who you truly are, dont trade it in for a taste of yester-year. It tastes like crap.
During the month of September, I was having a hard time adjusting to my routine life here in Houston because there wasnt enough avenues to be social like Howard offered me. So needless to say I was excited to party and drink and make bad decisions with the excuse that "Its Homecoming!". All that excitement crumbled the second day of my trip. Ive never been a fan of crowds and that feeling didnt change when I got on campus. Plus there was a couple of folks I was not trying to run into and surprisingly despite how packed a place can be, those same people somehow always end up in your face.
I thought I would want to go somewhere and shake what little I have in my jeans because I had "missed" it so much. The moment I stepped into a house party and was grabbed on by men that had absolutely nothing to offer me, it clicked that I had grown up and was over this stuff. I had matured and was comfortable in my few niches. I loved chilling with my folks when I was there just like I do at home. I like visiting random places and meeting new people from different backgrounds just like I do here. I KNOW what I like, what I enjoy. Why I thought I was missing out on something once I left DC is beyond me. But I wouldnt have known that unless I came back to DC.
But while I learned about how I evolved into Dinah 3.0 over the past couple of months, the saying old habits die hard also held true. Bad habits in particular. And yes I knew that they would be waiting for me as soon as I stepped off the plane. And yes I contemplated how I would handle myself in said situations. But jeez, it was so easy to do what I wanted and not think of the consequences until I returned home. THERE IS NO SEX WITHOUT STRINGS. And the strings dont even have to be feelings for that person. It could be feelings for someone else that make you second guess your rendezvous the night before with someone who was just available.
I didnt pray once when I was in DC. I thanked God when I got on and off a plane but in the midst of the excitement, weed haze, sex texts, and a hint of alcohol, God was in the back of my mind waiting to be hit up just cuz. The same habit I was trying so desperately to fight when I was in DC. But because I was caught up in my new environment, I forgot what I had established in my comfort zone at home. Now that I know Im not where I need or want to be with my constant communication with the Lord, I have to work double time just in case my environment should happen to suddenly shift on me.
All this jibjab in a nutshell: When you realize who you truly are, dont trade it in for a taste of yester-year. It tastes like crap.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Consciousness
Well well.. roughly a month since the last post and my my have things changed.. Where shall we start.. School has gotten better when it comes to actually enjoying it.. I still want to be finished but making A's in everything kind of alleviates the fact that Id rather be out making money.. Emphasis on kind of...
Socially, Im improving and getting comfortable at the same time. Im trying to occupy my time with simple things that I used to enjoy like reading.. I take the time to notice my surroundings or upgrade my consciousness as a cool Muslim I randomly last week told me. There are a lot of things going on, people just dont seem to be paying attention. I kinda go out I guess.. Randomly..lol
Dating wise? Im dating.. But.... not the right person.. Ive been trying to avoid stereotypes when it comes to him but I seem to fall in the category of a black educated woman who thinks shes better than certain black men... And I hate it.. In reality, dating is hard and I have had a glimpse of what studies and reports have said... Black women have a tendency to be picky and look over men that otherwise are a good catch.. But from several different conversations with folks from all walks of life.. I wouldnt be in the wrong if I dropped this one.
He's book smart when it comes to his major. His conscious level on what happens in the world.. Non-existent.. The things he says, how he processes events, how he expresses himself in regards to stereotypes is all very... disappointing.. I dont expect anyone to 100% agree with me all the time.. That would be boring and shows that he has no back bone or say so about anything.. But a man with no validity to his point is worse.. Babbling on about a viewpoint that either doesnt make any sense or has been proven time and time again to be incorrect... For the back of a more positive connotation, is ignorant in a social sense... He walks around full of stereotypes of an African American man and defends his position with "insight" from his environment... I cant do it.. The gap in our education wouldnt affect me as much if he was conscious.. But he is completely oblivious.. Plus he cant speak proper English.. always some type of slang. Its hard for me to understand..
On our first date, I thought the difference lead to good conversation... Now I feel that Im always trying to teach him or open his eyes to whats in front of him and not simply repeat what he's told... That is not what I look forward to when I date someone.. I need to be stimulated in all areas especially in conversation on any topic.. Dating should be a constant learning process between you and your potential mate...
Lucky for me I stuck by my three month rule and waited before I got to excited about him.. Ive proven it time and time again, it takes three months of sort of dating, to find out if you want to actually date someone to end up being in a serious relationship with titles..
So for now, the search for someone simply to date continues..
Socially, Im improving and getting comfortable at the same time. Im trying to occupy my time with simple things that I used to enjoy like reading.. I take the time to notice my surroundings or upgrade my consciousness as a cool Muslim I randomly last week told me. There are a lot of things going on, people just dont seem to be paying attention. I kinda go out I guess.. Randomly..lol
Dating wise? Im dating.. But.... not the right person.. Ive been trying to avoid stereotypes when it comes to him but I seem to fall in the category of a black educated woman who thinks shes better than certain black men... And I hate it.. In reality, dating is hard and I have had a glimpse of what studies and reports have said... Black women have a tendency to be picky and look over men that otherwise are a good catch.. But from several different conversations with folks from all walks of life.. I wouldnt be in the wrong if I dropped this one.
He's book smart when it comes to his major. His conscious level on what happens in the world.. Non-existent.. The things he says, how he processes events, how he expresses himself in regards to stereotypes is all very... disappointing.. I dont expect anyone to 100% agree with me all the time.. That would be boring and shows that he has no back bone or say so about anything.. But a man with no validity to his point is worse.. Babbling on about a viewpoint that either doesnt make any sense or has been proven time and time again to be incorrect... For the back of a more positive connotation, is ignorant in a social sense... He walks around full of stereotypes of an African American man and defends his position with "insight" from his environment... I cant do it.. The gap in our education wouldnt affect me as much if he was conscious.. But he is completely oblivious.. Plus he cant speak proper English.. always some type of slang. Its hard for me to understand..
On our first date, I thought the difference lead to good conversation... Now I feel that Im always trying to teach him or open his eyes to whats in front of him and not simply repeat what he's told... That is not what I look forward to when I date someone.. I need to be stimulated in all areas especially in conversation on any topic.. Dating should be a constant learning process between you and your potential mate...
Lucky for me I stuck by my three month rule and waited before I got to excited about him.. Ive proven it time and time again, it takes three months of sort of dating, to find out if you want to actually date someone to end up being in a serious relationship with titles..
So for now, the search for someone simply to date continues..
Friday, September 17, 2010
Who is This?
My name is Dinah J Pena. I am 21 years old. I have a degree from Howard University and currently working on my Masters at UT. I work for HISD the largest school district in Houston as an associate teacher. I used to be happy. I used to know what I want in life.
I added a high school classmate on Facebook today and looked through her profile and saw where she was in life. She's a RN and got engaged the same day that I moved back "home". I clicked through pictures of different friends to see their outings at happy hours, impromptu concerts, random days in the park. I read statuses and laughed at their experience at the store or what they saw on the street that day. Then I went to twitter and emulated the feelings of happiness, joy, concern, sadness, and the like from events going on in someone else's day. I was pretending to be where they were at the moment. I was pretending to be in someone else's shoes, because Im not happy with my own.
When I was a freshman, I choose to stay inside my room from fear of being known. Whether it was a good know or a bad know, I wanted to keep away from the masses. Sophomore year, I still kept to myself but branched out a little bit, getting my feet wet in Howard's social pool. Junior and Senior year I was out about with a consistent crew, preferred places to spend my nights, and gave other people reason to want to be in my shoes.
Now? I spend my weeknights with the all new season premieres of shows I had to usually catch on HULU because I was busy. Weekends, Im in the computer room working on Biostatistics trying to replace my desperate need for a social life with the pride that I understood my homework. Ive reverted back to who I was when I didnt know myself. When I was scared of becoming better and learning. And its not by choice. Its from a lack of options.
I used to joke about it, that I didnt have a life. But every additional hour that I spend by myself in front of my two best friends, laptop and television, I question who I am now. I question my future because six months ago, I would have never even guessed this life for myself. Im simply moving through the motions. Go to school, Go to work, sleep, study, tv, twitter, facebook.
Extra-Curricular may help. Maybe a community service could help take up some time. But thats all it would do. Take up the time that I have because I dont have anything else to do. I have no other options but to be in this dull, boring, redundant, lacking place Im in. And all I can do is look forward to a filler. What have I become?
I added a high school classmate on Facebook today and looked through her profile and saw where she was in life. She's a RN and got engaged the same day that I moved back "home". I clicked through pictures of different friends to see their outings at happy hours, impromptu concerts, random days in the park. I read statuses and laughed at their experience at the store or what they saw on the street that day. Then I went to twitter and emulated the feelings of happiness, joy, concern, sadness, and the like from events going on in someone else's day. I was pretending to be where they were at the moment. I was pretending to be in someone else's shoes, because Im not happy with my own.
When I was a freshman, I choose to stay inside my room from fear of being known. Whether it was a good know or a bad know, I wanted to keep away from the masses. Sophomore year, I still kept to myself but branched out a little bit, getting my feet wet in Howard's social pool. Junior and Senior year I was out about with a consistent crew, preferred places to spend my nights, and gave other people reason to want to be in my shoes.
Now? I spend my weeknights with the all new season premieres of shows I had to usually catch on HULU because I was busy. Weekends, Im in the computer room working on Biostatistics trying to replace my desperate need for a social life with the pride that I understood my homework. Ive reverted back to who I was when I didnt know myself. When I was scared of becoming better and learning. And its not by choice. Its from a lack of options.
I used to joke about it, that I didnt have a life. But every additional hour that I spend by myself in front of my two best friends, laptop and television, I question who I am now. I question my future because six months ago, I would have never even guessed this life for myself. Im simply moving through the motions. Go to school, Go to work, sleep, study, tv, twitter, facebook.
Extra-Curricular may help. Maybe a community service could help take up some time. But thats all it would do. Take up the time that I have because I dont have anything else to do. I have no other options but to be in this dull, boring, redundant, lacking place Im in. And all I can do is look forward to a filler. What have I become?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Vincent Alexander is my Man
Its been a minute since Ive blogged... So this one will be hella random... But might end up making alot of sense..
Life.... life has been boring as hell.. I dont really do shit... I went to work for ten weeks and had random outings with the girls... But the girls are gone now.. All alone in Hot Ass Houston... I dont really have any friends real talk.. I thought maybe grad school would provide an upgrade on the social tip.. But thats a negative... Those arent my type of folks to be chillin with
I went to DC about two weeks ago and had the time of my life... Fell right back in to the motions with my folk, hitting new spots, being adventurous, being surprised.. Stuff that I can really count to happen in DC.. But that trip was only a week long and I went to Vegas and needless to say.. Vegas was poppin..
August 25, 2010 and Im back in Houston.. Away from my old life, and in my dried up reality.. What do I have to look forward to? School.. And Work.. No boo to occupy my time with.. I even let go of dude with a girlfriend cuz 1) it wasnt fun anymore and 2) karma is a bitch and I want a bf.. A good one at that.. So he gone, my best friend gone, my girls are gone, hell even my brother is gone to school.. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH?!
I tried hanging out with from my past negroes.. Negative.. All the potential new dudes Im talkin to.. Wait wait. There are none.. I dont have a ride or die anymore.. I dont have a nigga to sweet talk me at night.. My phone is so busted I hate texting on it.. Its just
FRUSTRATING!!!!!!
Im so used to have something to do with just a text message.. And now.. I have my computer Vincent Alexander.. That is currently my reality.. Facebook.. Twitter... Pornhub.com.. That is my social life... and it bothers me because I like having the option of going out.. Being spontaneous.. and no I can tog out by myself.. I like someone on my side so I can laugh with, share jokes with, and have memories with so we can talk with our eyes later on.. Cant do that with a bloody computer..
So for now I guess I have no reason to not blog on a regular basis... Maybe I will find something so interesting to talk about that this becomes my new hobby.. And I get so enthralled with it that I cant stop.. ANd then I wont realize that Im turning into stone, as I am realizing now... Life is great.. Womp
Life.... life has been boring as hell.. I dont really do shit... I went to work for ten weeks and had random outings with the girls... But the girls are gone now.. All alone in Hot Ass Houston... I dont really have any friends real talk.. I thought maybe grad school would provide an upgrade on the social tip.. But thats a negative... Those arent my type of folks to be chillin with
I went to DC about two weeks ago and had the time of my life... Fell right back in to the motions with my folk, hitting new spots, being adventurous, being surprised.. Stuff that I can really count to happen in DC.. But that trip was only a week long and I went to Vegas and needless to say.. Vegas was poppin..
August 25, 2010 and Im back in Houston.. Away from my old life, and in my dried up reality.. What do I have to look forward to? School.. And Work.. No boo to occupy my time with.. I even let go of dude with a girlfriend cuz 1) it wasnt fun anymore and 2) karma is a bitch and I want a bf.. A good one at that.. So he gone, my best friend gone, my girls are gone, hell even my brother is gone to school.. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH?!
I tried hanging out with from my past negroes.. Negative.. All the potential new dudes Im talkin to.. Wait wait. There are none.. I dont have a ride or die anymore.. I dont have a nigga to sweet talk me at night.. My phone is so busted I hate texting on it.. Its just
FRUSTRATING!!!!!!
Im so used to have something to do with just a text message.. And now.. I have my computer Vincent Alexander.. That is currently my reality.. Facebook.. Twitter... Pornhub.com.. That is my social life... and it bothers me because I like having the option of going out.. Being spontaneous.. and no I can tog out by myself.. I like someone on my side so I can laugh with, share jokes with, and have memories with so we can talk with our eyes later on.. Cant do that with a bloody computer..
So for now I guess I have no reason to not blog on a regular basis... Maybe I will find something so interesting to talk about that this becomes my new hobby.. And I get so enthralled with it that I cant stop.. ANd then I wont realize that Im turning into stone, as I am realizing now... Life is great.. Womp
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Two Is Better Than One?
I went out with a friend last night. I wouldnt quite call it a date seeing that he has a gf and we arent any where near the road of dating. But it did have one attribute of a date; He had his hand on my thigh and I was playing with his fingers. Normally I wouldnt be able to stand that kind of stuff from a regular date unless I initiate it. But me and him have plenty history to fill a Harry Potter type book, so he was allowed.
Before the movie I told him about the issues I was having with my best friend and how Im in the process of "looking" for a replacement. He laughed and said that he wanted to turn in his application. I laughed but on the inside I was thinking about that long history of turbulence that we had and automatically knew that in order for him to be my best friend, he was going to learn how to handle my "spicy" personality. His track record shows that when we have an issue, he disappears and my best friend has to know when to cuss me out and get me right. Plus we have sex and I know that will NEVER work.
Later that night he text me "Good Night best Friend!" and I told him that he didnt want to be my best friend for real because you cant sex up a best friend. It wouldnt last. I told him that he would either have to stay as just a really good friend or give up the sex. He wanted to give up the sex. Now Dinah is no fool. When a man that I have been sexing down for the past 3 years up and says he wants to give up sex to be my best friend I KNOW something is up. And there was.
The short of it. He currently has a gf but our 4 years of knowing each other and never dated has got him thinking that he might want to try. I know that being my best friend wont make it happen and him having a gf at the current is a setup for me because I would catch feelings for him quick. Long and short of it from my perspective? He figured keeping her as a gf and me as a best friend would be the most ideal situation for him. And if his current relationship ends he can crank up the romance and we'd end up together.
THANK THE LORD. That I know better. That is an ultimate recipe for disaster. Feelings would be hurt, I would surely curse someone out, and Id potentially lose out on my only booty body in Houston. (yes that plays a factor, just keeping it real) All this had me thinking. Is two really better than one? He would have his cake (gf) and punch (me) until one eventually falls through. And still he would end up with the someone. But as I think about failed relationships in the past excluding my own I know that doubling up on women is never a good thing. Men have a tendency to get comfortable and start "slipping on they pimping". Doubling up on men will NEVER work for a woman. No matter how displaced you think your feelings are, a woman will catch feelings especially if shes sexing him.
So even though I have always had feelings for him, Id rather stay single and happy then play the "he's with me tonight" game and get my feelings hurt. The battle of finding a man continues.....
Before the movie I told him about the issues I was having with my best friend and how Im in the process of "looking" for a replacement. He laughed and said that he wanted to turn in his application. I laughed but on the inside I was thinking about that long history of turbulence that we had and automatically knew that in order for him to be my best friend, he was going to learn how to handle my "spicy" personality. His track record shows that when we have an issue, he disappears and my best friend has to know when to cuss me out and get me right. Plus we have sex and I know that will NEVER work.
Later that night he text me "Good Night best Friend!" and I told him that he didnt want to be my best friend for real because you cant sex up a best friend. It wouldnt last. I told him that he would either have to stay as just a really good friend or give up the sex. He wanted to give up the sex. Now Dinah is no fool. When a man that I have been sexing down for the past 3 years up and says he wants to give up sex to be my best friend I KNOW something is up. And there was.
The short of it. He currently has a gf but our 4 years of knowing each other and never dated has got him thinking that he might want to try. I know that being my best friend wont make it happen and him having a gf at the current is a setup for me because I would catch feelings for him quick. Long and short of it from my perspective? He figured keeping her as a gf and me as a best friend would be the most ideal situation for him. And if his current relationship ends he can crank up the romance and we'd end up together.
THANK THE LORD. That I know better. That is an ultimate recipe for disaster. Feelings would be hurt, I would surely curse someone out, and Id potentially lose out on my only booty body in Houston. (yes that plays a factor, just keeping it real) All this had me thinking. Is two really better than one? He would have his cake (gf) and punch (me) until one eventually falls through. And still he would end up with the someone. But as I think about failed relationships in the past excluding my own I know that doubling up on women is never a good thing. Men have a tendency to get comfortable and start "slipping on they pimping". Doubling up on men will NEVER work for a woman. No matter how displaced you think your feelings are, a woman will catch feelings especially if shes sexing him.
So even though I have always had feelings for him, Id rather stay single and happy then play the "he's with me tonight" game and get my feelings hurt. The battle of finding a man continues.....
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Bluest Eye
I just finished reading "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison and all the symbolism showed itself closer to the end. In the after word, Morrison describes how in the 50's-60's there was a lot of self-hate on part of African Americans because of the constant comparison to "true" beauty as defined by the white man. Its always easy to think that issues of racial self-recognition have improved but in some ways it has remained if not worsened during this day and age.
Back then, people yearned to be white for several reasons. Life was easier the lighter you got, "passing" was a goal of all those who could attain it, and previously stated, being white skinned with blue eyes was the definition of beauty. This day and age African-Americans are embracing the multi-toned complexion that God has blessed our race with. Light dates Dark to make Brown, Brown dates Light to make Caramel, and Dark and Brown make Mahogany. (well kind of, genetics is a helluva a thing..lol) During this present time, there are far more interracial couples who are producing children, adoption of black children by white parents, and remarriage of black people with the white race than before.
These children usually have identity issues trying to fit in with one race. There are certain children that stand out in my mind. Remember the twins whose parents were both bi-racial? One came out "white" and the other "black"? What kind of training are their parents setting up so that they wont have any self-identity issues? How will they defend themselves when they are disputed on being related and more so twins? What race will they choose to like, date, marry? Who will their parents choose to surround them with? And based off their past, who will they choose to surround themselves with in their adulthood?
Or one of my kids who has every feature that a poster child of an African American can have? You know the stereotypical big nose, big lips, nappy hair. (Because those are the worst features a human can have :/) Her step-mother is white and she had a convo with one of the counselors that went like this:
Child- You colored your person wrong.
Counselor: What do you mean?
Child- You person. Its too dark?
Counselor- Its not too dark. I want it to look like me.
Child- No you colored it wrong. She needs to be lighter. Thats the right way.
Counselor- No I colored her so she can look like me. You dont color your people to look like you?
Child- No, because Im going to be light with long flowy hair. Thats what Im gonna look like.
Although she is only 6, this girl is already on the road of ill-perception, supreme confusion, and denial. Unfortunately, I wasn't the counselor to have that conversation with her because the Howard in me and the love of my brown complexion would not allow me to not give her some schooling. I say all this to say that its important to spread your love of self and knowledge to those who are younger than you. We dont need any symbolic blue eyes when reality hits hard, and we dont need any yearning of things that black children will NEVER attain. Teach that black is beautiful and self appreciation is necessary. That doesnt ship your child off to the next Jack and Jill meeting, and sign them up for all HBCU's. But educate them so that they realize that denying who they are doesnt give them another reality.
Back then, people yearned to be white for several reasons. Life was easier the lighter you got, "passing" was a goal of all those who could attain it, and previously stated, being white skinned with blue eyes was the definition of beauty. This day and age African-Americans are embracing the multi-toned complexion that God has blessed our race with. Light dates Dark to make Brown, Brown dates Light to make Caramel, and Dark and Brown make Mahogany. (well kind of, genetics is a helluva a thing..lol) During this present time, there are far more interracial couples who are producing children, adoption of black children by white parents, and remarriage of black people with the white race than before.
These children usually have identity issues trying to fit in with one race. There are certain children that stand out in my mind. Remember the twins whose parents were both bi-racial? One came out "white" and the other "black"? What kind of training are their parents setting up so that they wont have any self-identity issues? How will they defend themselves when they are disputed on being related and more so twins? What race will they choose to like, date, marry? Who will their parents choose to surround them with? And based off their past, who will they choose to surround themselves with in their adulthood?
Or one of my kids who has every feature that a poster child of an African American can have? You know the stereotypical big nose, big lips, nappy hair. (Because those are the worst features a human can have :/) Her step-mother is white and she had a convo with one of the counselors that went like this:
Child- You colored your person wrong.
Counselor: What do you mean?
Child- You person. Its too dark?
Counselor- Its not too dark. I want it to look like me.
Child- No you colored it wrong. She needs to be lighter. Thats the right way.
Counselor- No I colored her so she can look like me. You dont color your people to look like you?
Child- No, because Im going to be light with long flowy hair. Thats what Im gonna look like.
Although she is only 6, this girl is already on the road of ill-perception, supreme confusion, and denial. Unfortunately, I wasn't the counselor to have that conversation with her because the Howard in me and the love of my brown complexion would not allow me to not give her some schooling. I say all this to say that its important to spread your love of self and knowledge to those who are younger than you. We dont need any symbolic blue eyes when reality hits hard, and we dont need any yearning of things that black children will NEVER attain. Teach that black is beautiful and self appreciation is necessary. That doesnt ship your child off to the next Jack and Jill meeting, and sign them up for all HBCU's. But educate them so that they realize that denying who they are doesnt give them another reality.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
My Black Man
The first time I stepped onto Howard University's campus in 2004, I saw a place full of life and opportunities to create a new person. When I moved in on my 18th birthday I realized that I was the farthest thing from a Howard Student and had much to work on. During the first semester, I realized that some women in my class had the same mindsets. And others were in the pursuit of something.. a lil different. They were out there trying to get their Howard Husband.
Hindsight now that Ive graduated, some women have found their Howard husband. Most, (including myself) learned every lesson there was to learn from a Howard man so that they could go on to find a husband elsewhere. Let all Howard women admit it, you might not stand Howard men for the way the act but at the end of the day, you still got to love em.
I say all that to discuss the topic of black men. One of the first day of camp I met "Jimmy" who's adopted father is a white man. Ive NEVER liked the idea of a white man training up a black boy in a white world. We all know that a white man can NEVER teach a black boy how to operate, cope, lead, transform, simply live in a world where he is automatically at the bottom of the totem pole. I went on to think of how his father was going about how to make sure "Jimmy" recognized, respected, and loved his culture that didn't resemble the African American section in our "history" books.
Dont get me wrong, I respect his father attempt to take a child and give him a home. And yes I'd rather that child be put in a home rather than passed through the system from jacked up black family to the next. But either way, "Jimmy" will be at a disadvantage. A boy can only certain things from a man. But an African American male can only learn how to live in this world by another African American male. In my opinion anyway.
So far all the heartache, bullshit, confusion, retardation, etc. that you black men put me and my girls through, I thank you. It wasnt until Howard that I realized how rare a commodity you actually are and that you should be valued because of the trials you have to go through for simply being around. I know Ive called yall some damn fools, negroes to the 100th degree but honestly, Id rather you than the other white meat.
* Sidenote* Someone needs to call Microsoft because when I type in the word "negro" there shouldnt be a suggestion that it should be capitalized.
Hindsight now that Ive graduated, some women have found their Howard husband. Most, (including myself) learned every lesson there was to learn from a Howard man so that they could go on to find a husband elsewhere. Let all Howard women admit it, you might not stand Howard men for the way the act but at the end of the day, you still got to love em.
I say all that to discuss the topic of black men. One of the first day of camp I met "Jimmy" who's adopted father is a white man. Ive NEVER liked the idea of a white man training up a black boy in a white world. We all know that a white man can NEVER teach a black boy how to operate, cope, lead, transform, simply live in a world where he is automatically at the bottom of the totem pole. I went on to think of how his father was going about how to make sure "Jimmy" recognized, respected, and loved his culture that didn't resemble the African American section in our "history" books.
Dont get me wrong, I respect his father attempt to take a child and give him a home. And yes I'd rather that child be put in a home rather than passed through the system from jacked up black family to the next. But either way, "Jimmy" will be at a disadvantage. A boy can only certain things from a man. But an African American male can only learn how to live in this world by another African American male. In my opinion anyway.
So far all the heartache, bullshit, confusion, retardation, etc. that you black men put me and my girls through, I thank you. It wasnt until Howard that I realized how rare a commodity you actually are and that you should be valued because of the trials you have to go through for simply being around. I know Ive called yall some damn fools, negroes to the 100th degree but honestly, Id rather you than the other white meat.
* Sidenote* Someone needs to call Microsoft because when I type in the word "negro" there shouldnt be a suggestion that it should be capitalized.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
VENTING
I so fucking pissed right now.. I have been on my own for four years, two of those years spent in a house paying my own rent, utilities, groceries, etc. I NEVER asked my parents to help me with SHIT. If they gave me money I took it but if I had to work extra shifts at work, lock myself up in the room to save money, or use my credit card (bad financial habit) but I did what I had to do to keep my independence. And it worked for me so far.
Ive been home for a week and three days and I have heard complaints on EVERYTHING. Im not a fucking maid, so if I sit at the house and dont fold the laundry then leave me the fuck alone. If I wasn't here who would do it? I buy my clothes, ME... So if I want to go outside the house with my nipples showing thats my business because I buy my clothes. Im not used to having to think about what my parents would say and seeing that I HATE when people bitch, I go along with it to make my parents shut the fuck up.
Do you know how many things I wanted to do in college that I didnt because of my parents? Lets see. I wanted to get my nose pierced, my belly button pierced, cut my hair, buy a car, move in with a male, travel oversears by myself. But because I was so concerned with what my parents thought I restricted my activities for their well- being. Now Im here almost 22 years old with a college degree. I can go out and get a job right now, Im paying for grad school on my own. (Sidenote: My parents put out all of 2500 dollars for my 4 year tenure at Howard)
Im used to doing shit my way, and you bitch about some crap like how short my pants are and if I drink. If Im not coming home drunk be happy. If Im not outside purposely flaunting my ass for attention be happy. If Im not bringing harm to myself or anyone in the house be happy. Stop complaining about every little thing that your "not used to" and making it into such a fucking big ordeal. Because you raised me right. You also raised me to have options. Because trust me, I could be ALOT worse.
Ive been home for a week and three days and I have heard complaints on EVERYTHING. Im not a fucking maid, so if I sit at the house and dont fold the laundry then leave me the fuck alone. If I wasn't here who would do it? I buy my clothes, ME... So if I want to go outside the house with my nipples showing thats my business because I buy my clothes. Im not used to having to think about what my parents would say and seeing that I HATE when people bitch, I go along with it to make my parents shut the fuck up.
Do you know how many things I wanted to do in college that I didnt because of my parents? Lets see. I wanted to get my nose pierced, my belly button pierced, cut my hair, buy a car, move in with a male, travel oversears by myself. But because I was so concerned with what my parents thought I restricted my activities for their well- being. Now Im here almost 22 years old with a college degree. I can go out and get a job right now, Im paying for grad school on my own. (Sidenote: My parents put out all of 2500 dollars for my 4 year tenure at Howard)
Im used to doing shit my way, and you bitch about some crap like how short my pants are and if I drink. If Im not coming home drunk be happy. If Im not outside purposely flaunting my ass for attention be happy. If Im not bringing harm to myself or anyone in the house be happy. Stop complaining about every little thing that your "not used to" and making it into such a fucking big ordeal. Because you raised me right. You also raised me to have options. Because trust me, I could be ALOT worse.
Monday, May 24, 2010
What If?
Its been a while since Ive written. Life's been hectic. Dramatic. Sad. Happy. Busy. Its been a whole bunch of things. Now that I have some time to sit down and think Ive been pondering about the last four years and how my life would have turned out if things were different. If I made different decisions. If I pursued different things.
One big thing always enters my mind. What if I made different decisions when it came to men? Not saying the choices I mad were poor ones but what if I took advantage of the men living on the first floor of my dorm sophomore year? What if I never met Maxx at Chris' party? I could have been a faithful girlfriend to my triflin ex-boyfriend. I could have realized that Aamir was a waste of my time and I could have been in a happier long lasting relationship. What if I met Justice earlier? I could still be in DC right now to be with him longer. But then I would have never made it so far with Cakes.
In the long run, I met the men Ive dealt with for a reason and because of them and the lessons Ive learned from them, Im going to make someone a bomb girlfriend one day.
Another big What If. What if I never moved off campus? My body count would have definitely been lower..lol But a lower body count wouldnt have given me my skills I have today... What if it was just me and Mavia from jump. I prolly would have two more friends under my belt. But I learned the hard way that you cant live with everybody.. And everybody aint what they seem in public..
What if I was a minute late to walking into the Quad? I would have never met Mavia. I dont even want to continue that thought.
With extra time on my hands, I got to rethink my decisions and make up scenarios where my life could have turned out for the better or worse. Honestly I think I would have been pregnant and barley holding onto my grades.. But thank God for the decisions I made. They people I bang with, the people I dropped out of my life. The boys I had sex with. Thank God for the boys I DIDNT have sex with. lol It was all for reason. No need for What If's...
One big thing always enters my mind. What if I made different decisions when it came to men? Not saying the choices I mad were poor ones but what if I took advantage of the men living on the first floor of my dorm sophomore year? What if I never met Maxx at Chris' party? I could have been a faithful girlfriend to my triflin ex-boyfriend. I could have realized that Aamir was a waste of my time and I could have been in a happier long lasting relationship. What if I met Justice earlier? I could still be in DC right now to be with him longer. But then I would have never made it so far with Cakes.
In the long run, I met the men Ive dealt with for a reason and because of them and the lessons Ive learned from them, Im going to make someone a bomb girlfriend one day.
Another big What If. What if I never moved off campus? My body count would have definitely been lower..lol But a lower body count wouldnt have given me my skills I have today... What if it was just me and Mavia from jump. I prolly would have two more friends under my belt. But I learned the hard way that you cant live with everybody.. And everybody aint what they seem in public..
What if I was a minute late to walking into the Quad? I would have never met Mavia. I dont even want to continue that thought.
With extra time on my hands, I got to rethink my decisions and make up scenarios where my life could have turned out for the better or worse. Honestly I think I would have been pregnant and barley holding onto my grades.. But thank God for the decisions I made. They people I bang with, the people I dropped out of my life. The boys I had sex with. Thank God for the boys I DIDNT have sex with. lol It was all for reason. No need for What If's...
Monday, April 26, 2010
For You
I was talking to an old friend the other day and he told me that he could tell that things had change for me mental wise since we last spoke in May. He told me I had a better grasp on who I was, what I wanted, and what I would and wouldn't accept in my life. He told me that my thinking was way more rational yet I still kept my "keeping it real" mentality. Other folks have been saying the same thing. They see a change, and although I didnt change for others to take notice, I am glad that decisions are an improvement from my old self.
It feels so good to know who I am. It feels even better to appreciate the flaws and weaknesses that I have. I am no longer concerned with what random people think of me. I ONLY take my TRUE friends opinion of me and take into consideration what they say to improve my character. All other opinions on who I am as a person can go kick rocks.
I have never been a fan of drama and for a while I was basically drama free. I had my share of stories to tell but as far as full out drama, I decided that was for children in middle school. Unfortunately there are folks in college with a middle school mentality and decide that life is a bore without drama in it. So they fabricate stories in order to start mess. Now at first I was trying to figure out why anyone would really waste their time to go through all of this. But I have it figured out.
A person who does not know them self starts drama to draw attention to themselves. Usually this person has those set of friends (not too many, at most 3) that buy into the mess, probably with no real knowledge of who the other person is. The said confused individual uses their little gang to validate who they are as a person from comments like, "Yeah you right for telling that girl that." and "If I were you I would hit that bitch" etc. This person doesnt have true CONSISTENT friends. Emphasis on CONSISTENT because a confused person never keeps friends for long for two reasons:
1. The croonies end up turning on the confused individual because they too are looking for who they are and resort to drama.
2. The true friends they did have, realize that they have out grown this person and their mentality and have distanced themself for their own personal sanity.
Its always a sign on your personal character if you cant keep consistent TRUE friends.
Luckily my days of searching for who I am have ended and I am comfortable with what I have to offer to other people. No I dont expect everyone to like me because I dont like everyone either. No I dont expect to never have an argument or encounter some more drama as I get older. For some reason, certain black women like mess and they're bound to run into me sometimes... What I can expect, however is to continue to remain lady like and keep maintaining my value by not entertaining foolishness.
************SPECIAL SHOUT-OUT****************
So to you who are currently reading my blog for more fuel for your drama, keep it up. You will just be validating my point even more. And as Ive said before, I dont have a problem with you, even when you decide to tell people I went into your room and stole your panties to hang on a public sign. And when you continue to call me out of my name. I really do feel sorry for you and hope that you dont have to learn the hard way about who you are. Because one day youre going to start mess with the wrong person.
It feels so good to know who I am. It feels even better to appreciate the flaws and weaknesses that I have. I am no longer concerned with what random people think of me. I ONLY take my TRUE friends opinion of me and take into consideration what they say to improve my character. All other opinions on who I am as a person can go kick rocks.
I have never been a fan of drama and for a while I was basically drama free. I had my share of stories to tell but as far as full out drama, I decided that was for children in middle school. Unfortunately there are folks in college with a middle school mentality and decide that life is a bore without drama in it. So they fabricate stories in order to start mess. Now at first I was trying to figure out why anyone would really waste their time to go through all of this. But I have it figured out.
A person who does not know them self starts drama to draw attention to themselves. Usually this person has those set of friends (not too many, at most 3) that buy into the mess, probably with no real knowledge of who the other person is. The said confused individual uses their little gang to validate who they are as a person from comments like, "Yeah you right for telling that girl that." and "If I were you I would hit that bitch" etc. This person doesnt have true CONSISTENT friends. Emphasis on CONSISTENT because a confused person never keeps friends for long for two reasons:
1. The croonies end up turning on the confused individual because they too are looking for who they are and resort to drama.
2. The true friends they did have, realize that they have out grown this person and their mentality and have distanced themself for their own personal sanity.
Its always a sign on your personal character if you cant keep consistent TRUE friends.
Luckily my days of searching for who I am have ended and I am comfortable with what I have to offer to other people. No I dont expect everyone to like me because I dont like everyone either. No I dont expect to never have an argument or encounter some more drama as I get older. For some reason, certain black women like mess and they're bound to run into me sometimes... What I can expect, however is to continue to remain lady like and keep maintaining my value by not entertaining foolishness.
************SPECIAL SHOUT-OUT****************
So to you who are currently reading my blog for more fuel for your drama, keep it up. You will just be validating my point even more. And as Ive said before, I dont have a problem with you, even when you decide to tell people I went into your room and stole your panties to hang on a public sign. And when you continue to call me out of my name. I really do feel sorry for you and hope that you dont have to learn the hard way about who you are. Because one day youre going to start mess with the wrong person.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Personal Value
Its funny... Roughly 40 days before I leave DC and I met a man that I actually really like... Sorry God, but as of right now your timing sucks...
Its so weird too.. When I met him in Miami, I got a good vibe from him then and didnt pull the good ole Miami alias name of Destiny from Colorado... He was fun to be around and we swapped jokes and eventually numbers.... Ive been hanging out with him for the past two weeks and I REALLY enjoy his company...
Now I know everybody prolly like Dinah you say that about the other dudes you talked to earlier in this blog... But I promise its different... There was always little signs with the dudes before that proved to me that it wasnt going to work... And I usually saw them about 2 weeks into us talking... Either they talked too much, did too much, crowded my space, tried to hard... Small things like that, personally, just grow into bigger things that make me dislike a dude quick...
But this one has good conversation.. We talk about EVERYTHING.. And the good thing about our talks is that he doesnt talk about himself in a way to prove who he is or why he does the things he does... He just is.. He's random just like me but at the same time a homebody who doesnt mind sitting in the house and watching movies... He has an old spirit.. I always feel like he's lived a full life by the stories that he tells me and the way he explains things... What I love the most is that he's comfortable with himself and he's real.. All of the men that I've met for the exception of one always have this back up personality when they get in a certain environment.. He's been consistent since the day Ive met him and since he's comfortable with who he is, it makes me feel more at ease to be around him for long periods of time... His whole demeanor isnt overbearing in the least bit and from the time we've spent together I havent once wish he would leave my house or stop texting me.. I like him...
Its pretty much obvious that he's a gentleman, educated, goal-oriented, and striving for something better in life... In essence he offers all of the things that I would look for in a boyfriend... But a thought popped in my head earlier today...
Why didnt I think I deserved this earlier?
I have stories upon stories of how I had to deal with this niggas crap or ignore this fools retardation just to have male attention...I thought less of myself back then and so I took whatever I was given by men who werent worth two pennies rubbed together... Sex plays a big part in it as well... I was so dick driven back then it's sad... I figured that if I thought and acted like a nigga that I would always have the upper hand... Sorry to say, but the only people who have perfected being niggas are naturally born niggas... Every women has a little tinge of girlsih behavior that affects how they think at least... And the older a woman gets in addition to the crap the deal with from niggas, that emotional part of them that wants genuine attention from a MAN just increases.. Certain habits get old and unattractive for a woman and those who are trying to hold onto their "nigga" feel it the worst... Its almost as if they feel they have to put forth an effort in order to get what you deserve from the opposite sex....
I had to learn the long and hard way that I wouldnt be able to identify a real MAN if I didnt know what kind of woman I was... I had to be comfortable with who I was before I could be comfortable with a MAN and not even entertain a nigga... I had to realize my worth.. Cliche'? Maybe.. But its the truth...
If I know that I only have time to be me why would I waste my true self with a fool that wouldnt appreciate me? I wouldnt talk to a local off the street because of how he approaches me. But let a nigga come with a slick line or two and he gets the number... They both one in the same.. NIGGAS.. But we get caught up in the sweet smile, sexy face, etc and try to ignore the ugly asshole that the nigga actually is..
First take the time to know who you are as a person and value yourself and all that you have to offer.. The previous automatically leads to being more cautious in who you let in your life and spend your time... More valuable people in your life lead to more productive long lasting relationships, ESPECIALLY with the opposite sex..
I feel good because this MAN that Ive been spending time with is worth it.. He deserves me and I him... I feel honored that he choose to spend his time with me as well.. And even though I only have roughly 40 days left to be in his physical presence I know that he's worth it because he knows his value and he thinks of my value to a high enough degree that he knows what I deserve...
Its so weird too.. When I met him in Miami, I got a good vibe from him then and didnt pull the good ole Miami alias name of Destiny from Colorado... He was fun to be around and we swapped jokes and eventually numbers.... Ive been hanging out with him for the past two weeks and I REALLY enjoy his company...
Now I know everybody prolly like Dinah you say that about the other dudes you talked to earlier in this blog... But I promise its different... There was always little signs with the dudes before that proved to me that it wasnt going to work... And I usually saw them about 2 weeks into us talking... Either they talked too much, did too much, crowded my space, tried to hard... Small things like that, personally, just grow into bigger things that make me dislike a dude quick...
But this one has good conversation.. We talk about EVERYTHING.. And the good thing about our talks is that he doesnt talk about himself in a way to prove who he is or why he does the things he does... He just is.. He's random just like me but at the same time a homebody who doesnt mind sitting in the house and watching movies... He has an old spirit.. I always feel like he's lived a full life by the stories that he tells me and the way he explains things... What I love the most is that he's comfortable with himself and he's real.. All of the men that I've met for the exception of one always have this back up personality when they get in a certain environment.. He's been consistent since the day Ive met him and since he's comfortable with who he is, it makes me feel more at ease to be around him for long periods of time... His whole demeanor isnt overbearing in the least bit and from the time we've spent together I havent once wish he would leave my house or stop texting me.. I like him...
Its pretty much obvious that he's a gentleman, educated, goal-oriented, and striving for something better in life... In essence he offers all of the things that I would look for in a boyfriend... But a thought popped in my head earlier today...
Why didnt I think I deserved this earlier?
I have stories upon stories of how I had to deal with this niggas crap or ignore this fools retardation just to have male attention...I thought less of myself back then and so I took whatever I was given by men who werent worth two pennies rubbed together... Sex plays a big part in it as well... I was so dick driven back then it's sad... I figured that if I thought and acted like a nigga that I would always have the upper hand... Sorry to say, but the only people who have perfected being niggas are naturally born niggas... Every women has a little tinge of girlsih behavior that affects how they think at least... And the older a woman gets in addition to the crap the deal with from niggas, that emotional part of them that wants genuine attention from a MAN just increases.. Certain habits get old and unattractive for a woman and those who are trying to hold onto their "nigga" feel it the worst... Its almost as if they feel they have to put forth an effort in order to get what you deserve from the opposite sex....
I had to learn the long and hard way that I wouldnt be able to identify a real MAN if I didnt know what kind of woman I was... I had to be comfortable with who I was before I could be comfortable with a MAN and not even entertain a nigga... I had to realize my worth.. Cliche'? Maybe.. But its the truth...
If I know that I only have time to be me why would I waste my true self with a fool that wouldnt appreciate me? I wouldnt talk to a local off the street because of how he approaches me. But let a nigga come with a slick line or two and he gets the number... They both one in the same.. NIGGAS.. But we get caught up in the sweet smile, sexy face, etc and try to ignore the ugly asshole that the nigga actually is..
First take the time to know who you are as a person and value yourself and all that you have to offer.. The previous automatically leads to being more cautious in who you let in your life and spend your time... More valuable people in your life lead to more productive long lasting relationships, ESPECIALLY with the opposite sex..
I feel good because this MAN that Ive been spending time with is worth it.. He deserves me and I him... I feel honored that he choose to spend his time with me as well.. And even though I only have roughly 40 days left to be in his physical presence I know that he's worth it because he knows his value and he thinks of my value to a high enough degree that he knows what I deserve...
Friday, April 2, 2010
#DinahShrug
So seeing that people are really actually reading my blog I guess I should write more frequently. lol I will say this, when I write in MY blog, its usually because of something that is pressing on my heart, hilarious in my eyes, or something that needs to be written for future reference. This blog is 98% impulsive.. So once its written Im over it and I move on.. Those who want to dwell on it or use it as evidence against me can do so if you wish but you're prolly goin off on something that Ive moved on from. With that being said on to the next topic:
Shout OUT Time!! heyonick.com is a great website talking about different entertainment from the eyes of a great Howard man. One great quote that was on HEYONICK.COM (shameless plug..lol) was:
"We dont have to change friends if we understand that friends change"
I have been told that I have a pretty good judgement of character, I know who will be long life friends, who will be around for just a season, and who are barely friends.
The quote is true friends do change but it has more of an effect on the friendship when you see the extent that your friends have changed. Or you noticed that you have changed and that person is stuck in the past with old habits that you dont agree with anymore. People go through things that can change them for the better or the worse. And Im gonna be honest, if you changing for the worst or not changing at all for that matter, you not fitting into my upgraded lifestyle and you need to be removed. Sorry.
Now just because we going in two different directions doesnt mean that I dont like you or I dont respect you. It just means that I am going to do whats best for my mental state. Because if I try and fake the funk with you, the friendship WILL end badly. I can promise you that.
I was talking to my boo Ashley (life long friend) over Spring Break about our upcoming transitions. She's going to law school here at Howard and Im going to the number one public health institution in the country, University of Texas.. yes I had to.lol We talked about what weve learned, what bad habits we picked up and thankfully dropped and about some of the ones were still fighting. What we both learned is that we have to surround ourselves with people who are interested in upward mobility and have a mindset similar to ours. No ned to surround ourselves with people who dont do anything or are all talk. Cuz what good will you be for in the long run other than drama? I know when Im 30 years old and making a name for myself, I need people who are doing the same. And life is more interesting when you have those few good soldiers that you include in you war stories about how we got where we are. Everybody wants that movie lifestyle: successful friendships with successful people who I've known from college and/or high school. I want HEALTHY friendships. So if you already making me sick, why would I keep you around me?
#justsayin #kanyeshrug
Shout OUT Time!! heyonick.com is a great website talking about different entertainment from the eyes of a great Howard man. One great quote that was on HEYONICK.COM (shameless plug..lol) was:
"We dont have to change friends if we understand that friends change"
I have been told that I have a pretty good judgement of character, I know who will be long life friends, who will be around for just a season, and who are barely friends.
The quote is true friends do change but it has more of an effect on the friendship when you see the extent that your friends have changed. Or you noticed that you have changed and that person is stuck in the past with old habits that you dont agree with anymore. People go through things that can change them for the better or the worse. And Im gonna be honest, if you changing for the worst or not changing at all for that matter, you not fitting into my upgraded lifestyle and you need to be removed. Sorry.
Now just because we going in two different directions doesnt mean that I dont like you or I dont respect you. It just means that I am going to do whats best for my mental state. Because if I try and fake the funk with you, the friendship WILL end badly. I can promise you that.
I was talking to my boo Ashley (life long friend) over Spring Break about our upcoming transitions. She's going to law school here at Howard and Im going to the number one public health institution in the country, University of Texas.. yes I had to.lol We talked about what weve learned, what bad habits we picked up and thankfully dropped and about some of the ones were still fighting. What we both learned is that we have to surround ourselves with people who are interested in upward mobility and have a mindset similar to ours. No ned to surround ourselves with people who dont do anything or are all talk. Cuz what good will you be for in the long run other than drama? I know when Im 30 years old and making a name for myself, I need people who are doing the same. And life is more interesting when you have those few good soldiers that you include in you war stories about how we got where we are. Everybody wants that movie lifestyle: successful friendships with successful people who I've known from college and/or high school. I want HEALTHY friendships. So if you already making me sick, why would I keep you around me?
#justsayin #kanyeshrug
Friday, March 26, 2010
I'm Ready
Ive been feeling a lil lonely lately. Yes I have friends and have someone to talk to in my time of need. But Im talking about the other kind of lonely. The kinda lonely that wishes for someone to sleep in the bed with you type lonely. The I need somebody to cupcake with me real quick lonely. The quick surprise visits type of lonely. Yup, Im yearning for a boyfriend.
I guess the timing is about right. Im going back home in about a month to settle and start a new phase of my life. Ill have more stability than I ever have and thankfully I have a better grip on who I am as a person. Not to mention that this summer will make three years of a lot of random niggas a couple of boos, one potential candidate, but no boyfriend...
Luckily for me, I have my first love as a good friend that I can ask for advice and bounce ideas off of. Also lucky me, he entertains my lonely times when I hit him with the "sweet talk me now" text. But I know its just play and in the morning, Ill be without a boyfriend to play with and rub on my booty when we sleep.
Another good friend of mine asked me the question, "What do you offer as a girlfriend?" And I had no answer. I thought about it long and hard and couldnt think of anything other than the cliche crap, "I have a fun personality, Im sponataneous, I like to do for my man.. blah blah blah." Then my mind flashed to a fictitious scenario where I was asked that on a date with a man I really cared about and this is what I came up with:
"Im not to sure what I can offer as a girlfriend. Ive only had two real boyfriends and back then I didnt know who I was and thought sex could solve any problem. I was selfish, irrational, and wasnt ready for the true responsibility of what being a girlfriend required. But know that Ive had time to get to know who I am, learn the things that I need to improve, and accept the fact that some things wont ever change, and love the hell out of myself despite how and what others may think all I can say is this. As your girlfriend, all I can promise you is that I will try my best. I might get a little emotional, I might get a little irrational. But if you are willing to look past my flaws and like me, retardation and all, I can promise that I will do the same for you."
Im willing to put in the work. Just have to find a man thats willing to take the time.
I guess the timing is about right. Im going back home in about a month to settle and start a new phase of my life. Ill have more stability than I ever have and thankfully I have a better grip on who I am as a person. Not to mention that this summer will make three years of a lot of random niggas a couple of boos, one potential candidate, but no boyfriend...
Luckily for me, I have my first love as a good friend that I can ask for advice and bounce ideas off of. Also lucky me, he entertains my lonely times when I hit him with the "sweet talk me now" text. But I know its just play and in the morning, Ill be without a boyfriend to play with and rub on my booty when we sleep.
Another good friend of mine asked me the question, "What do you offer as a girlfriend?" And I had no answer. I thought about it long and hard and couldnt think of anything other than the cliche crap, "I have a fun personality, Im sponataneous, I like to do for my man.. blah blah blah." Then my mind flashed to a fictitious scenario where I was asked that on a date with a man I really cared about and this is what I came up with:
"Im not to sure what I can offer as a girlfriend. Ive only had two real boyfriends and back then I didnt know who I was and thought sex could solve any problem. I was selfish, irrational, and wasnt ready for the true responsibility of what being a girlfriend required. But know that Ive had time to get to know who I am, learn the things that I need to improve, and accept the fact that some things wont ever change, and love the hell out of myself despite how and what others may think all I can say is this. As your girlfriend, all I can promise you is that I will try my best. I might get a little emotional, I might get a little irrational. But if you are willing to look past my flaws and like me, retardation and all, I can promise that I will do the same for you."
Im willing to put in the work. Just have to find a man thats willing to take the time.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Continued Blessings
God is funny.. He gives you exactly what you ask for in terms of growth, but it always comes in stages. I know that one of my biggest battles is what comes out of my mouth. I pride myself on being honest, telling people how I feel... But I realize that my tongue really does have a strong power.. Take my last entry for example. I was just running off at the mouth judging my roommate, when I was in her shoes round the same time last year. Even though Im POSITIVE that I have grown from that place in my life, I havent fully grasped what Im supposed to do with my growth. I should be leading by example and encouraging her to make wiser decisions, but instead I judge.
I curse alot too. Its so natural for me.. And yet, at the end of everyday I think about how I shined my light and it always has the same shade of a harsh tongue. I can tell great stories, express all my feelings, warn somebody that they treading on soft ground without the use of bitch, fuck, dirty ass, etc... What the Bible says is true... How can I praise God with the same mouth that I curse people out with?
I am glad that I have this constant nagging in my mind tho... Shows me that Im growing and that the things I have already learned and am learning are having a true influence on my life. I used to be one of those who had a constant back and forth relationship with God.. You know, hear that awesome sermon, get my life right for two weeks, by reading the Bible, listening to gospel music, praying on a regular basis... But after about 3 weeks, old habits kick in with dry poor excuses as to why they wont leave... I promised myself that I would truly make an effort this year and when you are genuine with your request and are mature enough to responsibilities for the lessons God gives you, you have this tremendous joy from what God is currently doing in your life.. And you get overwhelmed with the unimaginable possibilities that He has in store....
I am so glad that I finally see the little things God does for me as big deals.. Im glad that I have a continuous yearning in my heart to shine my light for Christ... And Im always thankful that God gives me another day to get it right...
I curse alot too. Its so natural for me.. And yet, at the end of everyday I think about how I shined my light and it always has the same shade of a harsh tongue. I can tell great stories, express all my feelings, warn somebody that they treading on soft ground without the use of bitch, fuck, dirty ass, etc... What the Bible says is true... How can I praise God with the same mouth that I curse people out with?
I am glad that I have this constant nagging in my mind tho... Shows me that Im growing and that the things I have already learned and am learning are having a true influence on my life. I used to be one of those who had a constant back and forth relationship with God.. You know, hear that awesome sermon, get my life right for two weeks, by reading the Bible, listening to gospel music, praying on a regular basis... But after about 3 weeks, old habits kick in with dry poor excuses as to why they wont leave... I promised myself that I would truly make an effort this year and when you are genuine with your request and are mature enough to responsibilities for the lessons God gives you, you have this tremendous joy from what God is currently doing in your life.. And you get overwhelmed with the unimaginable possibilities that He has in store....
I am so glad that I finally see the little things God does for me as big deals.. Im glad that I have a continuous yearning in my heart to shine my light for Christ... And Im always thankful that God gives me another day to get it right...
Friday, March 12, 2010
Common Bitches
Second day of Spring Break... had a good ass day.. got home and smoked some deliciousness and had me some of the best sex Ive had since Dec. Before all of this one of my roomie alerted me that ratchedness was occurring in our home and to be prepared to start laughing when I got home... And laugh I did...
My housemate has this wonderful habit of picking the most random ass people from the most random of places and bring them to our house..... Now if anyone knows this housemate then they know that that girl is an actress on all levels... She does the most to get extar attention, which in turn makes her look really clingy, really lame, and it gets REALLY annoying, REALLY QUICK.. Thats why I dont bang with her like that anymore but I digress...
She got these random niggas in our house with another strange female Ive never seen in my life and this other girl who is about as annoying as my housemate is.... ANYWAY... You know everbody got fuckin on the brain... Two burly ass ques in our house with "Im about to get some pussy easy" All over they face.. LMAO And these broads preparing to get laid out, according to conversations I overheard while preparing for my fuck session. Now its kind of sad because all of these people seperately dont even hit a number higher than 7 on the sexy meter.. So whats with all five people tied up in a lil ass room together for?
Because these are some simple folks... I am 21 and I know them niggas had to be bout 24 so they know the deal.. FInd some dumb broads who just want to "chill" and "make new friends" and work it to the point that folks contemplating fucking.. But these girls not dumb... They know exactly what they doing... And since they "know" they think that they have the upper hand.. This is what a COMMON BITCH would think... But they forget that these men sized that situation prolly 2 min in the convo.. They know what it would take to hit and brought alcohol in the picture to make the work THAT much easier... Now they sitting there in that lil ass room.. Making a bunch of noise like a bunch of middle schoolers at a bday party... All yall could do me a favor and start fucking now so you could turn that damn music down so I can sleep the rest of this weed off... (My friend helped me sweat the rest of it out..lmao)
I guess Im writing about it to show how much of a big kid I am.. There is no need to find random niggas to feel cute.. I walk around knowing Im cute just by the looks I get from the trash man.. I look sexy as hell in bathing suit and CANT nobody make me feel better about myself than me... I dont need alcohol to convince myself that this is a good idea because I make that decision from jump just like a nigga.... Adding alcohol would just make the story fun after I make my decision. I dont need to joke and walk around to shake off the nervousness cuz if you coming to my house we gone be fucking in about ten minutes so you can go bout your way..lmao
These women who are about to be released into the real world havent even mastered playing the college game correctly so you know they gone be hella lost when they graduate.. And I shake my head sad because these COMMON BITCHES gone make the rest of us well trained women look like idiots.. Setting us up for the fall because they dumb.. Come on ladies, lets try to pretend that we have learned something from our mother, sisters, friends, a woman on the street.. SOMEBODY!!! Damn... Swagless women, with no idea how to conduct themselves around dick.. Get it together...
My housemate has this wonderful habit of picking the most random ass people from the most random of places and bring them to our house..... Now if anyone knows this housemate then they know that that girl is an actress on all levels... She does the most to get extar attention, which in turn makes her look really clingy, really lame, and it gets REALLY annoying, REALLY QUICK.. Thats why I dont bang with her like that anymore but I digress...
She got these random niggas in our house with another strange female Ive never seen in my life and this other girl who is about as annoying as my housemate is.... ANYWAY... You know everbody got fuckin on the brain... Two burly ass ques in our house with "Im about to get some pussy easy" All over they face.. LMAO And these broads preparing to get laid out, according to conversations I overheard while preparing for my fuck session. Now its kind of sad because all of these people seperately dont even hit a number higher than 7 on the sexy meter.. So whats with all five people tied up in a lil ass room together for?
Because these are some simple folks... I am 21 and I know them niggas had to be bout 24 so they know the deal.. FInd some dumb broads who just want to "chill" and "make new friends" and work it to the point that folks contemplating fucking.. But these girls not dumb... They know exactly what they doing... And since they "know" they think that they have the upper hand.. This is what a COMMON BITCH would think... But they forget that these men sized that situation prolly 2 min in the convo.. They know what it would take to hit and brought alcohol in the picture to make the work THAT much easier... Now they sitting there in that lil ass room.. Making a bunch of noise like a bunch of middle schoolers at a bday party... All yall could do me a favor and start fucking now so you could turn that damn music down so I can sleep the rest of this weed off... (My friend helped me sweat the rest of it out..lmao)
I guess Im writing about it to show how much of a big kid I am.. There is no need to find random niggas to feel cute.. I walk around knowing Im cute just by the looks I get from the trash man.. I look sexy as hell in bathing suit and CANT nobody make me feel better about myself than me... I dont need alcohol to convince myself that this is a good idea because I make that decision from jump just like a nigga.... Adding alcohol would just make the story fun after I make my decision. I dont need to joke and walk around to shake off the nervousness cuz if you coming to my house we gone be fucking in about ten minutes so you can go bout your way..lmao
These women who are about to be released into the real world havent even mastered playing the college game correctly so you know they gone be hella lost when they graduate.. And I shake my head sad because these COMMON BITCHES gone make the rest of us well trained women look like idiots.. Setting us up for the fall because they dumb.. Come on ladies, lets try to pretend that we have learned something from our mother, sisters, friends, a woman on the street.. SOMEBODY!!! Damn... Swagless women, with no idea how to conduct themselves around dick.. Get it together...
High Thoughts: SUBWAY=RACISM
So I got high as hell yesterday with one of the dope boys across the street. Thats right.. I was stuck outside my house and a 35 yr old man who had an 8 yr sentence and a 10 yr sentence, for what? I have no idea, offered me some kush. And get this!! He couldnt smoke cuz he was on the "urines" so he let me smoke the whole thing by myself. Can we say FTW?! Dude was extra cool and we had a good talk. After he left, (on his own) me and Mavis walked on down to Subway to fulfill the munchie desires.
As I sat on my floor smashin every part of that sandwhich I recapped what happened at the "restaurant". First of all this Subway is very nice and is on the corner of North Captial and Florida. This particular corner is full of homeless people, loud mouthed drunks, and people that would make most uncomfortable. One of the dudes that works there also works at the 24hr one over there past Galludet. So I ask him, "How come yall dont make this one 24hrs?" His response, " We dont have any glass. Plus its too nice in here."
WWWWHHHHAAAA?
Now I understand that staying open 24hrs is a security risk and all businesses need to take caution, but my mind wandered to who helps this particular establishment stay in business. We do-we as in negroes- give this Middle Eatern Subway their way of life. But yet the chillin on stereotypes about us jacking them for whatever because they dont have up bulletproof glass? Thats not right. 7-11 dont have up a glass and them Ethipopians keep that store open just to make that dollar. Same for the china man. But you, Mr. Middle Eastern, cant keep your business open because you dont have glass? Mr. Middle Eastern, the lowest minority on the stereotype totem pole. Mr. Middle Eastern, the man that wouldnt get hired because of the way you look, talk, and smell. You are discrimnating against my people?! Mr. Middle Eastern, do I shy away from you on the airplane because you might have a bomb strapped to you? Mr. Middle Eastern, do I trust your women less because I can only see they eyes past that weird getup yall make em wear? Mr. Middle Eastern do I not treat your people with the same respect as everyone else, DESPITE all the negative things going against you. But you delve into a stereotype that black people are more dangerous after sunset... And Im going to be cool with that? Howard done taught me better. It would be different if they had a reason to "put up a glass" like getting jacked on a constant basis. But no, you took the initative on your own to close the store early because you just KNEW that us niggas was gone try to take your shit.
THEN (yes that aint it) a homeless man that wasn't "weird" looking, being loud, or making folks feel uuncomfortable, politley asked if this Subway had a bathroom. This Indian <--Stereotype, said that the bathroom was broken.
Homeless Man: "Oh It's Broken. When its gonna get fixed?"
Bomb Toter: "Um Never"
Homeless BLACK Man: "Never? Yall never gonna fix the bathroom?"
Liar: "Yeah Never, ITs too much money to fix it."
Homeless Man: "Yeah because it's always broken"
Bitch: "Yeah so we are never gonna fix it so you have to use the bathroom somewhere else."
NOW IF THAT AINT SOME BULLSHIT I DONT KNOW WHAT IS?
Now Im sure that homeless people roll up in Subway all the time and ask to use the bathroom. And its Subway's business to deny anyone use of the bathroom. But even I was insulted. Just because the man was homeless doesnt mean that he's dumb. He couldve easily said, "The bathroom is for paying customers". No harm in that. But the excuse that that man used was stupid and disrespectful to that man and all those in earshot of the tomfoolery. Im kind of pissed now that I think about it. Another homeless man that was chillin told the homeless man where he would be accepted to take a piss.
I shouldnt have bought my sandwich. I shouldve started a scene. But I didnt. I let my high state and my munchies take over and I gave that piece of crap SUBWAY 8 dollars and 64 cents. I will never, NEVER give Subway another dime of my money because of the racism and discrimination portrayed yesterday. And because of what I saw yesterday, Im going to have to fight to not judge every Middle Eastern person I see. Because its clear to me that they do it automatically to us.
As I sat on my floor smashin every part of that sandwhich I recapped what happened at the "restaurant". First of all this Subway is very nice and is on the corner of North Captial and Florida. This particular corner is full of homeless people, loud mouthed drunks, and people that would make most uncomfortable. One of the dudes that works there also works at the 24hr one over there past Galludet. So I ask him, "How come yall dont make this one 24hrs?" His response, " We dont have any glass. Plus its too nice in here."
WWWWHHHHAAAA?
Now I understand that staying open 24hrs is a security risk and all businesses need to take caution, but my mind wandered to who helps this particular establishment stay in business. We do-we as in negroes- give this Middle Eatern Subway their way of life. But yet the chillin on stereotypes about us jacking them for whatever because they dont have up bulletproof glass? Thats not right. 7-11 dont have up a glass and them Ethipopians keep that store open just to make that dollar. Same for the china man. But you, Mr. Middle Eastern, cant keep your business open because you dont have glass? Mr. Middle Eastern, the lowest minority on the stereotype totem pole. Mr. Middle Eastern, the man that wouldnt get hired because of the way you look, talk, and smell. You are discrimnating against my people?! Mr. Middle Eastern, do I shy away from you on the airplane because you might have a bomb strapped to you? Mr. Middle Eastern, do I trust your women less because I can only see they eyes past that weird getup yall make em wear? Mr. Middle Eastern do I not treat your people with the same respect as everyone else, DESPITE all the negative things going against you. But you delve into a stereotype that black people are more dangerous after sunset... And Im going to be cool with that? Howard done taught me better. It would be different if they had a reason to "put up a glass" like getting jacked on a constant basis. But no, you took the initative on your own to close the store early because you just KNEW that us niggas was gone try to take your shit.
THEN (yes that aint it) a homeless man that wasn't "weird" looking, being loud, or making folks feel uuncomfortable, politley asked if this Subway had a bathroom. This Indian <--Stereotype, said that the bathroom was broken.
Homeless Man: "Oh It's Broken. When its gonna get fixed?"
Bomb Toter: "Um Never"
Homeless BLACK Man: "Never? Yall never gonna fix the bathroom?"
Liar: "Yeah Never, ITs too much money to fix it."
Homeless Man: "Yeah because it's always broken"
Bitch: "Yeah so we are never gonna fix it so you have to use the bathroom somewhere else."
NOW IF THAT AINT SOME BULLSHIT I DONT KNOW WHAT IS?
Now Im sure that homeless people roll up in Subway all the time and ask to use the bathroom. And its Subway's business to deny anyone use of the bathroom. But even I was insulted. Just because the man was homeless doesnt mean that he's dumb. He couldve easily said, "The bathroom is for paying customers". No harm in that. But the excuse that that man used was stupid and disrespectful to that man and all those in earshot of the tomfoolery. Im kind of pissed now that I think about it. Another homeless man that was chillin told the homeless man where he would be accepted to take a piss.
I shouldnt have bought my sandwich. I shouldve started a scene. But I didnt. I let my high state and my munchies take over and I gave that piece of crap SUBWAY 8 dollars and 64 cents. I will never, NEVER give Subway another dime of my money because of the racism and discrimination portrayed yesterday. And because of what I saw yesterday, Im going to have to fight to not judge every Middle Eastern person I see. Because its clear to me that they do it automatically to us.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Im Old
I just left from my cousin's mixtape listening party. The boy is amazing and I was so proud that his last song had me sitting in the corner crying. Was I embarassed? of coure not.. I know that Im a lil crybaby when the time is right and at that moment, watching my cousin perform with such passion was... amazing... only tears could explain how I felt....
Earlier I had to talk with my man friend that has been trying to break my no boyfriend barrier for several weeks now... I think he had a hard time recognizing that I am a woman of my word and I truly do know what I want... There are several times that I have no idea what I want but as of today and of late, I have been very secure in my past, present, and the unknown future... I know who I am... And I love every bit of it.. And in a sense I know that he liked it because a lot of girls my age are still running all over the place with their concepts of life and love.. I know what I want/ dont want, and I am still ok with the things I dont know because I know that God will take care of everything...
I have been VERY homesick lately... I cant wait to be around my family, interact with them, sit down and watch tv with them, joke, argue, play games with... I miss them so much... I have recently realized that alot of people dont have a good relationship with their families and I do.. I love the people that my family surrounds themselves with... I appreciate their advice and Im constantly learning from them and I feel like my time here at Howard is ending at the right time.. I cant learn anymore here and even though Im scared, excited, anxious, sad, etc I know that Im ready and Ill be fine...
I say all these things to say that Im truly growing up.. Things that I found fun when I was younger arent fun anymore, things that I used to be attracted to are no longer cute (even though I attract some entertaining things)... I sat there and cried like a proud mother for someone else...ME and my roomie went to that listening party and realized that we had grown up so much that we saw things that we recognized in our younger selves.. We saw all the trials that had to go through to reach our mental state.. The eagerness for whats cool... It was incredible actually.. Tonight I saw myself in all of those 18 year old girls...
Now Im going on 22 years old... Becoming more observant while still keeping my youthful outlook on life in my pocket... Im mature now.. And Im happy about it... But I pray that my memory will always keep a constant connection to who I was so I will continue to grow into who I will become...
Earlier I had to talk with my man friend that has been trying to break my no boyfriend barrier for several weeks now... I think he had a hard time recognizing that I am a woman of my word and I truly do know what I want... There are several times that I have no idea what I want but as of today and of late, I have been very secure in my past, present, and the unknown future... I know who I am... And I love every bit of it.. And in a sense I know that he liked it because a lot of girls my age are still running all over the place with their concepts of life and love.. I know what I want/ dont want, and I am still ok with the things I dont know because I know that God will take care of everything...
I have been VERY homesick lately... I cant wait to be around my family, interact with them, sit down and watch tv with them, joke, argue, play games with... I miss them so much... I have recently realized that alot of people dont have a good relationship with their families and I do.. I love the people that my family surrounds themselves with... I appreciate their advice and Im constantly learning from them and I feel like my time here at Howard is ending at the right time.. I cant learn anymore here and even though Im scared, excited, anxious, sad, etc I know that Im ready and Ill be fine...
I say all these things to say that Im truly growing up.. Things that I found fun when I was younger arent fun anymore, things that I used to be attracted to are no longer cute (even though I attract some entertaining things)... I sat there and cried like a proud mother for someone else...ME and my roomie went to that listening party and realized that we had grown up so much that we saw things that we recognized in our younger selves.. We saw all the trials that had to go through to reach our mental state.. The eagerness for whats cool... It was incredible actually.. Tonight I saw myself in all of those 18 year old girls...
Now Im going on 22 years old... Becoming more observant while still keeping my youthful outlook on life in my pocket... Im mature now.. And Im happy about it... But I pray that my memory will always keep a constant connection to who I was so I will continue to grow into who I will become...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Hella Confused
There is a handsome, sweet, well-mannered, thoughtful, caring man after me. And Im scared to death. I dont want to hurt him with all my down falls but I dont want to miss out on what Ive been yearning for since I started having boyfriends. He makes me feel so special and I just have the feeling that I am going to find a way to mess it up and hurt him. Ive done it so many times before, but I know he's different. Well I want to believe that he was different. I want to treat him like he's different. I want our relationship to be different. But he wants something that I know that Im not ready for. I like being single.
In reality, I have been trying to deter him from pursuing me without him knowing that Im intentionally doing it.. Acting a lil irrational, not being consistent, telling him that Im a habitual cheater and have a tendency to hurt people. Ive told him the truth, silently hoping that he ends it before I accidentally do. But nothing I have said so far scares him. In a way I think all my negatives motivates him to try harder, as a way to prove to himself that he can make it work and to prove to me that he's worth the change. And he's right on both parts. But again, Im not ready.
Im not sure what I want to do when it comes to men. I like the concept of a stable exclusive understanding. The whole concept of titles always gets me and I feel that they mess things up. If we are good with no title than whats the point? But for some, a title is a big deal, sort of like a claim to property "Dinah is MY girlfriend". I guess Im just nervous. Im not used to the attention, the genuine feelings, his pursuit of me. Its new to me and its scary as hell. He did amazing things for Valentines Day and at the end of all the surprises, I sat in my room looking at my beautiful flowers and lilac candles and realized that Im not ready for a man like him. And if Im not be careful, he will become another victim of Dinah, the woman with amazing ability to crush a man's heart with a single act.
Apparently, "my friends" also think that me and him shouldnt be together. He did his research, as anyone should, and 5 out of 6 people told him "dont do it" One male friend told him that "I love dick". Now I admit that I am very open and my junior was a trial and error period for many men but to dissuade a good man from even attempting to try and make it work, well, hurt my feelings. I mustered up everything not to cry, but I couldnt help but think, am I so bad, in my friends eyes, that I am not worthy for a man like him? To not even attempt because Ill hurt him or take advantage? Is this how I come across to my "friends" when it comes to men?
Maybe it bothers me since I know that Im going through a transition phase and that Im not as dick driven as people have recently made it seem. I havent enjoyed sex since the last time I saw Justice. And thats because it was more than sex. It was two people enjoying what each other had to offer mentally, spiritually, and physically. We had fun together, we had secrets, and inside jokes. His mere presence made me happy and I can only assume that the same goes for him. But I guess because I learned to become a more private person my "friends" dont know that Dinah yet. So I cant be mad at them for sharing their honest feelings with him, but it hurt none the less.
So what to do with this amazing man. I dont know. And prolly wont ever know. Im just going through the motions and taking it day by day. Praying to all God that I dont mess it up and hurt him in the process.
In reality, I have been trying to deter him from pursuing me without him knowing that Im intentionally doing it.. Acting a lil irrational, not being consistent, telling him that Im a habitual cheater and have a tendency to hurt people. Ive told him the truth, silently hoping that he ends it before I accidentally do. But nothing I have said so far scares him. In a way I think all my negatives motivates him to try harder, as a way to prove to himself that he can make it work and to prove to me that he's worth the change. And he's right on both parts. But again, Im not ready.
Im not sure what I want to do when it comes to men. I like the concept of a stable exclusive understanding. The whole concept of titles always gets me and I feel that they mess things up. If we are good with no title than whats the point? But for some, a title is a big deal, sort of like a claim to property "Dinah is MY girlfriend". I guess Im just nervous. Im not used to the attention, the genuine feelings, his pursuit of me. Its new to me and its scary as hell. He did amazing things for Valentines Day and at the end of all the surprises, I sat in my room looking at my beautiful flowers and lilac candles and realized that Im not ready for a man like him. And if Im not be careful, he will become another victim of Dinah, the woman with amazing ability to crush a man's heart with a single act.
Apparently, "my friends" also think that me and him shouldnt be together. He did his research, as anyone should, and 5 out of 6 people told him "dont do it" One male friend told him that "I love dick". Now I admit that I am very open and my junior was a trial and error period for many men but to dissuade a good man from even attempting to try and make it work, well, hurt my feelings. I mustered up everything not to cry, but I couldnt help but think, am I so bad, in my friends eyes, that I am not worthy for a man like him? To not even attempt because Ill hurt him or take advantage? Is this how I come across to my "friends" when it comes to men?
Maybe it bothers me since I know that Im going through a transition phase and that Im not as dick driven as people have recently made it seem. I havent enjoyed sex since the last time I saw Justice. And thats because it was more than sex. It was two people enjoying what each other had to offer mentally, spiritually, and physically. We had fun together, we had secrets, and inside jokes. His mere presence made me happy and I can only assume that the same goes for him. But I guess because I learned to become a more private person my "friends" dont know that Dinah yet. So I cant be mad at them for sharing their honest feelings with him, but it hurt none the less.
So what to do with this amazing man. I dont know. And prolly wont ever know. Im just going through the motions and taking it day by day. Praying to all God that I dont mess it up and hurt him in the process.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Morning Tears
I have the opportunities and sadly the drive to be as promiscuous as I please. I know that I can fuck anybody that I want and be on to the next one just as easy. But I chose not to for several reasons. One its not becoming of a woman to be passed around, its no fun when you have all those men and never really have one, and feelings sometimes creep in and mess things up. I know all this. And I feel Ive been smart so far because of the decisions Ive made in my past. I know what to do to avoid hurt. But I know that I have trust issues. Always have since Aamir. Our whole relationship was a lie. And the more I dig deeper to find anything that was real I found more shit. So I havent had a boyfriend since then. I wanted one for a time, but it was more for stability and I learned that I had to get that for myself and on my own. And now Im good. I dont want or need a boyfriend at the moment. But I am a Leo. We arent the best relationship types because of our fiery personality and stubborn lifestyle, but when we do find a person worth our time, we are very passionate about it. We put our all in it. And when that shit crumbles. Its bad for pretty much everyone for a while.
Im at that point now. BUt what makes me mad is that I did it the right way.. What I felt was the right way...I established a relationship before. Ive known him for 4 years. He knows what I love, what I hate, my shortcomings, my strengths.. He knew all that. The first thing anyone ever knows from me is that Im honest as I can be. And if Im not honest its probably because I dont know how to say what I need to say in the right way. Because being honest doesnt mean I have to be offensive. If youve run into me and ask me what I hate... I'll tell you.. I HATE liars.. Id rather you tell me bad news and Im sad for a little while then get caught in a lie ESPECIALLY when I asked you straight forward and gave you a chance to be real with me... He knew that... And yet..
I caught his ass in a lie.. A lie that Ive asked him about several times over and over again.. I set myself up so that I wouldnt be in this situation, but I made the biggest mistake ever.. I trusted him.. And clearly I shouldnt have... Especially seeing that Ive always been iffy about his stories sometimes.. But I was always like "naw, He knows what I hate, and we're past that" I was wrong..
Now Im not on no "Niggas Aint Shit" tangent.. Thats for people who dont want to handle responsibility. I know I made myself to vulnerable and I got my feelings hurt.. Bad.. Now Im sitting in my room and cant leave because of th 16 inches of snow.. Sad, Crying, and listening to Jill Scott on Pandora... Trying to think of what a fool Ive been. Trying to fly his ass out here.. Planning the sweet things I would do for him when I came home.. The randomness we would be partaking of just because.. I wanted a taste of summer love.. And I put it all in him.. And I shouldnt have.. The downfalls of being a planner.. I tend to not leave room for other plans.. And then I get stuck where I am now.. Hurt, Confused, and trying to pick my pride from all over pillow.. But oh well.. I guess when I lied to myself when I said that 19 was the last age I would cry over a man.. Here I am.. Going into my 22nd year of life.. As confused as a middle schooler whose first bf just dumped her for someone else... Shitty part is.. He wasnt even a bf for me to get dumped.. But it hurts all the same.. Time to reevaluate myself.. And my relationship with men... Which plan should I pick now.. Cuz so far all of mine suck...
Im at that point now. BUt what makes me mad is that I did it the right way.. What I felt was the right way...I established a relationship before. Ive known him for 4 years. He knows what I love, what I hate, my shortcomings, my strengths.. He knew all that. The first thing anyone ever knows from me is that Im honest as I can be. And if Im not honest its probably because I dont know how to say what I need to say in the right way. Because being honest doesnt mean I have to be offensive. If youve run into me and ask me what I hate... I'll tell you.. I HATE liars.. Id rather you tell me bad news and Im sad for a little while then get caught in a lie ESPECIALLY when I asked you straight forward and gave you a chance to be real with me... He knew that... And yet..
I caught his ass in a lie.. A lie that Ive asked him about several times over and over again.. I set myself up so that I wouldnt be in this situation, but I made the biggest mistake ever.. I trusted him.. And clearly I shouldnt have... Especially seeing that Ive always been iffy about his stories sometimes.. But I was always like "naw, He knows what I hate, and we're past that" I was wrong..
Now Im not on no "Niggas Aint Shit" tangent.. Thats for people who dont want to handle responsibility. I know I made myself to vulnerable and I got my feelings hurt.. Bad.. Now Im sitting in my room and cant leave because of th 16 inches of snow.. Sad, Crying, and listening to Jill Scott on Pandora... Trying to think of what a fool Ive been. Trying to fly his ass out here.. Planning the sweet things I would do for him when I came home.. The randomness we would be partaking of just because.. I wanted a taste of summer love.. And I put it all in him.. And I shouldnt have.. The downfalls of being a planner.. I tend to not leave room for other plans.. And then I get stuck where I am now.. Hurt, Confused, and trying to pick my pride from all over pillow.. But oh well.. I guess when I lied to myself when I said that 19 was the last age I would cry over a man.. Here I am.. Going into my 22nd year of life.. As confused as a middle schooler whose first bf just dumped her for someone else... Shitty part is.. He wasnt even a bf for me to get dumped.. But it hurts all the same.. Time to reevaluate myself.. And my relationship with men... Which plan should I pick now.. Cuz so far all of mine suck...
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Power
I know my power... I know that I have tricks up my sleeve that can bend anyone's will in order to be my own... I know what a kiss on the neck will do.. A sweet smile that only he can see... The use of my lil ass to slyly rub across your dick... I know the obvious trick of the trade..
Since I also know myself I can use world wide knowledge of a woman and turn it to be my own personal game... And I love playing games.. I love putting a word in a nigga's ear that always enters his mind when I see him across the class...Texting him in the middle of the night with all kinds of foolishness blended with subtle seriousness...We both know we know better.. But we cant help it.. Its fun and the imagination does wondrous things when you know it will never come to reality.. So behind close doors, hidden in our phones and inside jokes, we play every single game that there is to play... But in public, we play it cool and respectful..
I love these kind of relationships... They always lead to the unexpected later to be determined as a positive or negative.. But at the present, its spontaneous and because its wrong, it makes whatever "it" is more exciting... The kind of interactions that, when your main one is laying aside you a sleep, you smile thinkn of what shouldn't have been...
I have this power.. And just the thought of it makes me.. Well.. You can guess... The power a woman is in three places... her heart, her mind, and her pussy...Learning to balance the three takes a while, some heartbreak, bad dick, and confusion.... And its only the first part.. When that balance is created then you have to know which part of you should lead in a certain situation... Your heart shouldnt lead with an infatuation, your pussy shouldnt lead with lust, and your mind shouldnt lead with things that are spontaneous.... The power of a woman is also her downfall....
Have a boyfriend? What made him different from everyone else? Does that same thing apply now? Or have you gotten comfortable and forgotten what powers you possess? The quickest way to let your man wonder is to allow some other womans power conquer him...There is always a woman who can fuck better than you, spit game better than you.. But if your powers are intact you can make sure that man isnt interested in pursuing any tricks another woman has.. And we all have tricks...
Ladies, if you dont want someone like myself to use her powers to her full advantage I suggest you get uncomfortable and use your mind, your heart, and your pussy...
"Youre a damn fool for you letting your man out the house, Obviously forgetting that women like me are out to get your spouse."-Random thought this morning
Since I also know myself I can use world wide knowledge of a woman and turn it to be my own personal game... And I love playing games.. I love putting a word in a nigga's ear that always enters his mind when I see him across the class...Texting him in the middle of the night with all kinds of foolishness blended with subtle seriousness...We both know we know better.. But we cant help it.. Its fun and the imagination does wondrous things when you know it will never come to reality.. So behind close doors, hidden in our phones and inside jokes, we play every single game that there is to play... But in public, we play it cool and respectful..
I love these kind of relationships... They always lead to the unexpected later to be determined as a positive or negative.. But at the present, its spontaneous and because its wrong, it makes whatever "it" is more exciting... The kind of interactions that, when your main one is laying aside you a sleep, you smile thinkn of what shouldn't have been...
I have this power.. And just the thought of it makes me.. Well.. You can guess... The power a woman is in three places... her heart, her mind, and her pussy...Learning to balance the three takes a while, some heartbreak, bad dick, and confusion.... And its only the first part.. When that balance is created then you have to know which part of you should lead in a certain situation... Your heart shouldnt lead with an infatuation, your pussy shouldnt lead with lust, and your mind shouldnt lead with things that are spontaneous.... The power of a woman is also her downfall....
Have a boyfriend? What made him different from everyone else? Does that same thing apply now? Or have you gotten comfortable and forgotten what powers you possess? The quickest way to let your man wonder is to allow some other womans power conquer him...There is always a woman who can fuck better than you, spit game better than you.. But if your powers are intact you can make sure that man isnt interested in pursuing any tricks another woman has.. And we all have tricks...
Ladies, if you dont want someone like myself to use her powers to her full advantage I suggest you get uncomfortable and use your mind, your heart, and your pussy...
"Youre a damn fool for you letting your man out the house, Obviously forgetting that women like me are out to get your spouse."-Random thought this morning
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Bling Bling
What are the main thoughts that run through your head throughout the day? And when you rest your body at night, what prepares you for a hopefully good sleep? What thoughts carry over into the next morning? Ive been reading Proverbs as a continuing journey to form a better relationship with God and I fell in love with Chapter 3:13-16. It reads:
" Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor."
Every night I lay down in my bed and just think for about a good five minutes about my day. Lately Ive been pleased but there is always one thing I could have donor said differently that could have increased my wealth. There is always a situation that could have been handled better or a thought that shouldn't have been automatic as it ran through my mind. So what do I do? I pray that God give me another chance to prove to him that I can recognize the opportunity for Him before it has passed. I cant beat myself up anymore. Or stress about what cant be changed or controlled. All I can do is learn, pray,read, and then live. Im a work in progress, with sex being one of my biggest downfalls. But I know I have gotten better. Sex doesn't consume me as much because I have put my focus somewhere else.
When I wake up in the middle of the night, I used to stress about money, my parents, grad school, whether I was going to heaven or hell. But now before a negative thought enters my mind, I pray to God first before the Devil can use my mind as his playground. And it has made the biggest difference in my life in the year 2010. Just a slight change in how I think brought so much relief to my life. Idle thought of horniness doesnt ruin my day to the point that I cry, become depressed or angry. I feel the tingle, but its for the most part, just a tingle. I try my best not to let things that are not important, positive, or healthy consume my thoughts anymore.
Im loving that Im a work in progress because I appreciate the small changes in my life. And when I get more established in my relationship with Christ, I pray that I continue to find the joys in the little and the big things that God does for me. My focus has changed, and yeah I glance around every now and then, it always leads back to wisdom and understanding.
" Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor."
Every night I lay down in my bed and just think for about a good five minutes about my day. Lately Ive been pleased but there is always one thing I could have donor said differently that could have increased my wealth. There is always a situation that could have been handled better or a thought that shouldn't have been automatic as it ran through my mind. So what do I do? I pray that God give me another chance to prove to him that I can recognize the opportunity for Him before it has passed. I cant beat myself up anymore. Or stress about what cant be changed or controlled. All I can do is learn, pray,read, and then live. Im a work in progress, with sex being one of my biggest downfalls. But I know I have gotten better. Sex doesn't consume me as much because I have put my focus somewhere else.
When I wake up in the middle of the night, I used to stress about money, my parents, grad school, whether I was going to heaven or hell. But now before a negative thought enters my mind, I pray to God first before the Devil can use my mind as his playground. And it has made the biggest difference in my life in the year 2010. Just a slight change in how I think brought so much relief to my life. Idle thought of horniness doesnt ruin my day to the point that I cry, become depressed or angry. I feel the tingle, but its for the most part, just a tingle. I try my best not to let things that are not important, positive, or healthy consume my thoughts anymore.
Im loving that Im a work in progress because I appreciate the small changes in my life. And when I get more established in my relationship with Christ, I pray that I continue to find the joys in the little and the big things that God does for me. My focus has changed, and yeah I glance around every now and then, it always leads back to wisdom and understanding.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
As For Me Myself
Im standing in the kitchen going over the conversations that I has today and laughing to myself. I am a very experimental person but I let my conscious and my "do good" attitude prevent from trying what some might call, outlandish. I think its a good thing that I at least identify the person that I could be if I were to let loose. I have thought about getting my lip pierced, my tounge pierced, my nipples pierced, and Divine pierced as well. I found an excuse as to why I shouldnt get any of those things ( I want a job). But just the thought of getting them is so sexy to me. I realize that I am a VERY sexual being, so I tend to find all those piercings very erotic. I also had some homosexual thoughts. What if I were to date a woman? Or be into girls and boys? Of course I would still keep it safe but what if? Would my group of friends change? Would my outlook on certain political arenas differ from what I have now? I killed the lesbian/bi-sexual ideal mainly because I know its a sin and that it would kill my parents. But still I did think about it.
I say all this to lead to my point. Are you comfortable with who you are? Can you sit in a room by yourself and think about all things you love/hate about yourself and why? And after that are you able to love yourself even more for being ok with your highs and lows? As a senior in college, I realized that this is may be the last time that I get to wild out, yet Im ok with settling down because I know that Im ok just the way I am. Ive had my lets ho it out year. Ive gotten my tats. I smoke weed and drink. I know, for me, that I have done all the wildin out that I need to do during my college years. But some people force being experimental just cuz they can. Im to old for that shit. I know what should fly and what doesnt. I also know that my mindset sets me up for future endeavors like finding a husband. I want to be married or at least engaged by the time Im 25. Crazy? Perhaps, but thats what I want. Now I know that I cant make a man propose to me, but I can make myself the best wifey material I can be. And that starts with how I think. I think highly of myself, flaws and all, and I dont require that much from my husband. In the end, I just want him to be able to deal with my retardation and love me like crazy despite some of ways. And I want to feel the same for him. I want to love the shit out of my husband despite how mad he makes me.
So when you prepare yourself for the person you want to become in the future, ask yourself, "Am I good with who I am now?" Because if youre not loving yourself now, how do you expect to become the person you hope to become. Its progression and although there are things that you may need to work on, you should at least have the overall feeling that makes you feel like you the shit. I know I am. And I am crazy, triflin, emotional, and needy at times. But I love me still. Can you say the same?
I say all this to lead to my point. Are you comfortable with who you are? Can you sit in a room by yourself and think about all things you love/hate about yourself and why? And after that are you able to love yourself even more for being ok with your highs and lows? As a senior in college, I realized that this is may be the last time that I get to wild out, yet Im ok with settling down because I know that Im ok just the way I am. Ive had my lets ho it out year. Ive gotten my tats. I smoke weed and drink. I know, for me, that I have done all the wildin out that I need to do during my college years. But some people force being experimental just cuz they can. Im to old for that shit. I know what should fly and what doesnt. I also know that my mindset sets me up for future endeavors like finding a husband. I want to be married or at least engaged by the time Im 25. Crazy? Perhaps, but thats what I want. Now I know that I cant make a man propose to me, but I can make myself the best wifey material I can be. And that starts with how I think. I think highly of myself, flaws and all, and I dont require that much from my husband. In the end, I just want him to be able to deal with my retardation and love me like crazy despite some of ways. And I want to feel the same for him. I want to love the shit out of my husband despite how mad he makes me.
So when you prepare yourself for the person you want to become in the future, ask yourself, "Am I good with who I am now?" Because if youre not loving yourself now, how do you expect to become the person you hope to become. Its progression and although there are things that you may need to work on, you should at least have the overall feeling that makes you feel like you the shit. I know I am. And I am crazy, triflin, emotional, and needy at times. But I love me still. Can you say the same?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Relapse
Yesterday January 14 and during the very beginning of this very day, I had a severe relapse. NOt only did I have a bootycall in the middle of the day, I also smoked of the tree of life (stole that one) and had sex again. Yes I brought back my signature move of being greedy and doubled up my dick. Now Im awake.. Still kinda burning inscence in my room to get rid of the weed smell and thinking, "Do I regret what I just did?" The first sexual act was with none other than my one weakness from since junior year. Its just so great with him because we truly have accomplished the no strings attached sexual relationship that everybody wants but for some reason cant achieve. To prove my last statement Ill tell you what happened after the act. I gave him advice on how to make his relationship last with his girlfriend. While we walking down the street lo and behold, who's coming towards us? None other than missy herself in all her stanky boo boo face glory which clearly was a subliminal warning that I betta stay away from her man. lol To bad thatll prolly never happen. Weve tried to leave each other alone. Lets just say its merely impossible. I was panicking on the inside but played it cool on the out side. I just shifted my bag swiped my hair, and started laughing when both of them were behind me.
I read this paper of the 4 different roles a girl can have to a dude: Wifey, Jump-Off, Baby Girl, and the side piece. Ill let you read the description of each on youre own.
http://www.examiner.com/x-1588-Philadelphia-Urban-Social-Examiner~y2009m3d2-4-types-of-women-girl-friends
From the events of yesterday and our past relationship history, I would have to go with me being his babygirl. Prime reason: Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is extremely private and hates causing a scene, baby girl can come into the same restaurant as you and wifey and wifey will have no idea you two even know each other. Alot of people know that I like being the hiatus for dudes in relationships. Its hard to stay faithful if the girl isnt keeping it spicy. I should know, Ive never been faithful to one person( except for my first love). And seeing that I dont want a bf now, its the best kind of relationship to havve in my circumstance because at the end of the day, I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES.. And I LOVE that.
The only thing with the sexing is that I really wasnt feeling it.. Not like he wasnt doing a good job, But I really just wasnt in the mood.. But seized the opportunity because there are many days when I do want to have sex and no one is around. Hey Im a slight opportunist, kill me. The second sex session was better, I guess. Probably more so because of the weed. Because I was actually really sleepy and he requires so much stuff.. But N-E Whoo, I did what I had to do and went to sleep.
Now the post before this is talking about my relationship with God. So it might look like Im being a hypocrite. But I feel like this time is different. I actually feel kind of bad for doing something that I know I didnt want to do.. And I feel bad because I allowed myself to relapse so quickly. That is a problem for me. So I have to opposing forces battling: What I should do and What I actually do. Its gonna be hard long process, as stated in previous blogs, but Im gonna keep trying. So while I clean up my room and airout the stench of the herb, Ill try to find the pros from yesterday and learn my lesson. Whatever that is.
I read this paper of the 4 different roles a girl can have to a dude: Wifey, Jump-Off, Baby Girl, and the side piece. Ill let you read the description of each on youre own.
http://www.examiner.com/x-1588-Philadelphia-Urban-Social-Examiner~y2009m3d2-4-types-of-women-girl-friends
From the events of yesterday and our past relationship history, I would have to go with me being his babygirl. Prime reason: Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is extremely private and hates causing a scene, baby girl can come into the same restaurant as you and wifey and wifey will have no idea you two even know each other. Alot of people know that I like being the hiatus for dudes in relationships. Its hard to stay faithful if the girl isnt keeping it spicy. I should know, Ive never been faithful to one person( except for my first love). And seeing that I dont want a bf now, its the best kind of relationship to havve in my circumstance because at the end of the day, I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES.. And I LOVE that.
The only thing with the sexing is that I really wasnt feeling it.. Not like he wasnt doing a good job, But I really just wasnt in the mood.. But seized the opportunity because there are many days when I do want to have sex and no one is around. Hey Im a slight opportunist, kill me. The second sex session was better, I guess. Probably more so because of the weed. Because I was actually really sleepy and he requires so much stuff.. But N-E Whoo, I did what I had to do and went to sleep.
Now the post before this is talking about my relationship with God. So it might look like Im being a hypocrite. But I feel like this time is different. I actually feel kind of bad for doing something that I know I didnt want to do.. And I feel bad because I allowed myself to relapse so quickly. That is a problem for me. So I have to opposing forces battling: What I should do and What I actually do. Its gonna be hard long process, as stated in previous blogs, but Im gonna keep trying. So while I clean up my room and airout the stench of the herb, Ill try to find the pros from yesterday and learn my lesson. Whatever that is.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Baby Steps
I just finished having a facebook chat convo ( I know..lol) with my good friend Omy F Baby... I met him when I was pageant coordinator and he seemed to stand out among all my residents and among alot of the men that I have met at Howard. He's always had a different way of thinking and things that are norms for majority of the men I know are by no means a priority for him. He has always been focused on the bigger picture and living a life worth something. Over the break something happened and he rededicated his life to Christ. That for me coming from him is a big deal not because he's a heathen or someone that would deny a higher being. He's just always been looking everywhere for some clarity and when he found it he fell hard. From his statuses, you can tell that his whole world has changed based off of a concept that many people, including myself, know about but only use it when necessary or appropriate.
When Im in Houston, I go to church every Saturday no questions. We have worship pretty much every Friday to bring in the sabbath. I know what I have to do in order to keep my relationship with Christ in tact but I have been straddling the fence since about Junior year. I attended church when I was away at school, but I was just waiting for the night to come so I can run to the house party or sex up some boy when he was ready. Ive always had that voice in my head that pressed on my heart to do the right thing in God's eyes but I kind of brushed it to the side until the morning when I would just "ask God to forgive my sins". Now that Im training my focus to be more on Christ, I know that praying after I commited the sin is no good and in some ways, very disrespectful. I am taking advantage of God's willingness and ability to forgive me of any sin that I can commit so I can do what I want to guilt free. But unfortunately, for me, there is no such thing as guilt free and I always second guess my consequences after the fact.
Prime example, I have had my encounters of unprotected sex, and always thought afterwards what would happen if I were to catch HIV. And everytime I go to tested Im nervous thinking about how God would judge me when I got to the pearly gates to plead my case? How would my parents think after all the "True Love Waits" programs Ive attended? And if anything, the common sense of using protection if I was going that route? But about a week or two of my negative test results, Im back to do what I want and praying after, thinking only about the instant satisfaction.
I know that my life is not promised to last until tomorrow, next week, next month... Cliche yes but people are dying around me everyday and I choose to see it now versus when I was younger and decided to ignore what wasnt pleasant. I also know that one of these days my consequences for my actions arent going to be as light as a guilty conscious. I have to make a point in my life to actively pursue a healthier life style in the sight of God. And its going to be hard. I like doing what I want and have made it a practice in my life to do what makes me happy. Im not saying that living closer with Christ is going to make life boring, but there are certain things that make me happy now that wont cut it in the eyes of God and have to come to an end. Plus, Im always bragging on how God always takes care of me but yet I barely pay him any attention in any form (prayer, meditation, reading the bible) I use Him when its convenient or fits in my schedule and then want to say how God has taken care of me. I know that he always will but if I continue to walk around straddling the fence in the end I wont be to happy. Now it wont be an instant change I know that for sure, but I can say this.. My Bibile will be moving closer to the bed instead of being in a box on my bookshelf so it can be the first thing I read when I wake up in the morning. Baby steps are all God needs to do big things. Look at Omy..
When Im in Houston, I go to church every Saturday no questions. We have worship pretty much every Friday to bring in the sabbath. I know what I have to do in order to keep my relationship with Christ in tact but I have been straddling the fence since about Junior year. I attended church when I was away at school, but I was just waiting for the night to come so I can run to the house party or sex up some boy when he was ready. Ive always had that voice in my head that pressed on my heart to do the right thing in God's eyes but I kind of brushed it to the side until the morning when I would just "ask God to forgive my sins". Now that Im training my focus to be more on Christ, I know that praying after I commited the sin is no good and in some ways, very disrespectful. I am taking advantage of God's willingness and ability to forgive me of any sin that I can commit so I can do what I want to guilt free. But unfortunately, for me, there is no such thing as guilt free and I always second guess my consequences after the fact.
Prime example, I have had my encounters of unprotected sex, and always thought afterwards what would happen if I were to catch HIV. And everytime I go to tested Im nervous thinking about how God would judge me when I got to the pearly gates to plead my case? How would my parents think after all the "True Love Waits" programs Ive attended? And if anything, the common sense of using protection if I was going that route? But about a week or two of my negative test results, Im back to do what I want and praying after, thinking only about the instant satisfaction.
I know that my life is not promised to last until tomorrow, next week, next month... Cliche yes but people are dying around me everyday and I choose to see it now versus when I was younger and decided to ignore what wasnt pleasant. I also know that one of these days my consequences for my actions arent going to be as light as a guilty conscious. I have to make a point in my life to actively pursue a healthier life style in the sight of God. And its going to be hard. I like doing what I want and have made it a practice in my life to do what makes me happy. Im not saying that living closer with Christ is going to make life boring, but there are certain things that make me happy now that wont cut it in the eyes of God and have to come to an end. Plus, Im always bragging on how God always takes care of me but yet I barely pay him any attention in any form (prayer, meditation, reading the bible) I use Him when its convenient or fits in my schedule and then want to say how God has taken care of me. I know that he always will but if I continue to walk around straddling the fence in the end I wont be to happy. Now it wont be an instant change I know that for sure, but I can say this.. My Bibile will be moving closer to the bed instead of being in a box on my bookshelf so it can be the first thing I read when I wake up in the morning. Baby steps are all God needs to do big things. Look at Omy..
Monday, January 11, 2010
Im back at 206 for the last semester at HU and Im really glad to be here. I know that this semester is going to be very interesting for reasons untold because I have no idea what is to come. And Im excited about the change!! Even more, is the fact that I have a changed mindset so things will automatically different because my reaction will be different. But this thought has come to my mind: What if there are certain things that I dont want to change just because it kept left interesting? Mainly Im talking about my infamous love for sex. The team players have also returned with no recruits added to the list and are ready to get started. After justice I realized that Im not down for the lets fuck you you and you tip anymore. So what do I do? Ignore the call of the penis Ive already had? Deny my curiosity for the new things with dick to possibly be had? Im not sure yet.
I think Im going to play it like Vivca Fox would in one of her movies. You know Vivca was always a step ahead of her men in her movies. And when they caught up she always had a trick up her sleeve to maintain her upperhand and sophistication, which in the end bolstered her sex appeal as a woman as a whole. I can say that Im good at twisting things to get my way but instead of doing it for a reaction, Im going to have to use my powers for good. But most importantly, Im going to have fun, deal with minimal to no bullshit, and learn lessons along the way. Gentleman start your engines, Dinah's ready for a ride.
I think Im going to play it like Vivca Fox would in one of her movies. You know Vivca was always a step ahead of her men in her movies. And when they caught up she always had a trick up her sleeve to maintain her upperhand and sophistication, which in the end bolstered her sex appeal as a woman as a whole. I can say that Im good at twisting things to get my way but instead of doing it for a reaction, Im going to have to use my powers for good. But most importantly, Im going to have fun, deal with minimal to no bullshit, and learn lessons along the way. Gentleman start your engines, Dinah's ready for a ride.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
She Say, I Say
I have had internal issues with a certain friend for some time and I always consult my two very real friends Mav's and Roy for advice. To me, her maturity and thinking level is well below mine. I had my time when I was like fuck every nigga and do what I want, but now Im at the stage where Im more concerned about how I feel when I wake up in the morning versus who puts me to bed. I have my mishaps now and then but Ive grown up and sex while still a favorite pastime, is not the big of an issue anymore. But I digress. This young lady to me is so hypocritical and judgmental its sad. I believe that if you dont agree with someone or something than you just dont agree with it. But to label other people for them going against your personal grain is immature and very narrowminded. And day by day I feel like she is subliminally calling me out because of the things I do that she doesnt.
I watch porn. According to her, porn is for whores.
Im going to a strip club when I get back to school, and if I enjoy it I will go again. Again Strip Clubs are for whores.
I smoke weed. "People who smoke weed are unattractive"
As most people know I do what I want, and I based off of my 4.0 this semester and pretty balanced mindsight, I can do that. But for someone to lowkey judge pretty much everything I do makes me want to do the same thing.
I dont call her a whore for sleeping with random people and then claiming that each ones head is "amazing".
I dont judge her for getting all dramatic over shit that doesnt matter with niggas that arent wortth two cents because her life is pretty boring.
I didnt call her naive, stupid, immature for refusing to get an HIV test because she got one a "month" ago.
I dont call her a hypocrite for letting niggas smoke it up in her room although weed is "unattractive" and she has asthma.
I try my best to keep my feelings to myself because all though I dont agree with much of the things she says or thinks, I still love her to death as my friend. Shes the person that i can crack retarded jokes with. She makes sure that Im okay when I have a sucky ass day. The random things she says are sometime the most hilarious things Ive heard all day. And I know she has my back at all times, even when I slept with the nigga she had in her room one night.
So what does this mean? Im not sure. Im not gonna drop her as a friend because as a person I love the shit out of her. But seeing that I know consciously that we are going in two different directions I have to react differently towards her. I have to moderate what I say and do around her. I have to make sure that I dont let the things she does upset me because I am believer in everyone having their own opinion. I have to take the things that I have learned and apply it to today so that I wont let someone else dictate how Im going to act, feel, say, or do. I started by unfollowing her on twitter.
Am I scared that I may hurt her feelings in the future? No. Ill simply explain myself as to why I did what I did. And if she still doesnt get it, then its simply a difference of opinion.
I watch porn. According to her, porn is for whores.
Im going to a strip club when I get back to school, and if I enjoy it I will go again. Again Strip Clubs are for whores.
I smoke weed. "People who smoke weed are unattractive"
As most people know I do what I want, and I based off of my 4.0 this semester and pretty balanced mindsight, I can do that. But for someone to lowkey judge pretty much everything I do makes me want to do the same thing.
I dont call her a whore for sleeping with random people and then claiming that each ones head is "amazing".
I dont judge her for getting all dramatic over shit that doesnt matter with niggas that arent wortth two cents because her life is pretty boring.
I didnt call her naive, stupid, immature for refusing to get an HIV test because she got one a "month" ago.
I dont call her a hypocrite for letting niggas smoke it up in her room although weed is "unattractive" and she has asthma.
I try my best to keep my feelings to myself because all though I dont agree with much of the things she says or thinks, I still love her to death as my friend. Shes the person that i can crack retarded jokes with. She makes sure that Im okay when I have a sucky ass day. The random things she says are sometime the most hilarious things Ive heard all day. And I know she has my back at all times, even when I slept with the nigga she had in her room one night.
So what does this mean? Im not sure. Im not gonna drop her as a friend because as a person I love the shit out of her. But seeing that I know consciously that we are going in two different directions I have to react differently towards her. I have to moderate what I say and do around her. I have to make sure that I dont let the things she does upset me because I am believer in everyone having their own opinion. I have to take the things that I have learned and apply it to today so that I wont let someone else dictate how Im going to act, feel, say, or do. I started by unfollowing her on twitter.
Am I scared that I may hurt her feelings in the future? No. Ill simply explain myself as to why I did what I did. And if she still doesnt get it, then its simply a difference of opinion.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dinah J
I thought I wanted my first post to be extra deep, or funny or something to form some feelings by my readers. I have read my old blog and that shit was VERY entertaining and all true, but I kinda grew up from then. I have still have a lot of shit to say. People tell me they wanna hear it. So here it is. On this eighth day of January in the year 2010, I Dinah Jamelia Pena, have begun a four month journey to graduating. Im gonna talk about me, niggas, my parents, God, sex (the lack of or great abundance of..lol) and whatever pops into my head. Why Hinsight is Always 20/20 for a title? Because thats one of the realest quotes Ive heard in my life. You always know what to do, what to say, how to act AFTER the fact. This year will be full of actions that I may regret, be proud of, question, but I know that its only after the day is done that Ill truly know the right thing to do. And when I figure it out, Ill write it down to share for others to learn from and apply before something happens or compare after shit goes down. Whatever you take this for is not really my concern, Im doing whats best for me, a lesson learned hindsight of 2009.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
