I'm Ready

Ive been feeling a lil lonely lately. Yes I have friends and have someone to talk to in my time of need. But Im talking about the other kind of lonely. The kinda lonely that wishes for someone to sleep in the bed with you type lonely. The I need somebody to cupcake with me real quick lonely. The quick surprise visits type of lonely. Yup, Im yearning for a boyfriend.

I guess the timing is about right. Im going back home in about a month to settle and start a new phase of my life. Ill have more stability than I ever have and thankfully I have a better grip on who I am as a person. Not to mention that this summer will make three years of a lot of random niggas a couple of boos, one potential candidate, but no boyfriend...

Luckily for me, I have my first love as a good friend that I can ask for advice and bounce ideas off of. Also lucky me, he entertains my lonely times when I hit him with the "sweet talk me now" text. But I know its just play and in the morning, Ill be without a boyfriend to play with and rub on my booty when we sleep.

Another good friend of mine asked me the question, "What do you offer as a girlfriend?" And I had no answer. I thought about it long and hard and couldnt think of anything other than the cliche crap, "I have a fun personality, Im sponataneous, I like to do for my man.. blah blah blah." Then my mind flashed to a fictitious scenario where I was asked that on a date with a man I really cared about and this is what I came up with:

"Im not to sure what I can offer as a girlfriend. Ive only had two real boyfriends and back then I didnt know who I was and thought sex could solve any problem. I was selfish, irrational, and wasnt ready for the true responsibility of what being a girlfriend required. But know that Ive had time to get to know who I am, learn the things that I need to improve, and accept the fact that some things wont ever change, and love the hell out of myself despite how and what others may think all I can say is this. As your girlfriend, all I can promise you is that I will try my best. I might get a little emotional, I might get a little irrational. But if you are willing to look past my flaws and like me, retardation and all, I can promise that I will do the same for you."

Im willing to put in the work. Just have to find a man thats willing to take the time.

Continued Blessings

God is funny.. He gives you exactly what you ask for in terms of growth, but it always comes in stages. I know that one of my biggest battles is what comes out of my mouth. I pride myself on being honest, telling people how I feel... But I realize that my tongue really does have a strong power.. Take my last entry for example. I was just running off at the mouth judging my roommate, when I was in her shoes round the same time last year. Even though Im POSITIVE that I have grown from that place in my life, I havent fully grasped what Im supposed to do with my growth. I should be leading by example and encouraging her to make wiser decisions, but instead I judge.

I curse alot too. Its so natural for me.. And yet, at the end of everyday I think about how I shined my light and it always has the same shade of a harsh tongue. I can tell great stories, express all my feelings, warn somebody that they treading on soft ground without the use of bitch, fuck, dirty ass, etc... What the Bible says is true... How can I praise God with the same mouth that I curse people out with?

I am glad that I have this constant nagging in my mind tho... Shows me that Im growing and that the things I have already learned and am learning are having a true influence on my life. I used to be one of those who had a constant back and forth relationship with God.. You know, hear that awesome sermon, get my life right for two weeks, by reading the Bible, listening to gospel music, praying on a regular basis... But after about 3 weeks, old habits kick in with dry poor excuses as to why they wont leave... I promised myself that I would truly make an effort this year and when you are genuine with your request and are mature enough to responsibilities for the lessons God gives you, you have this tremendous joy from what God is currently doing in your life.. And you get overwhelmed with the unimaginable possibilities that He has in store....

I am so glad that I finally see the little things God does for me as big deals.. Im glad that I have a continuous yearning in my heart to shine my light for Christ... And Im always thankful that God gives me another day to get it right...

Common Bitches

Second day of Spring Break... had a good ass day.. got home and smoked some deliciousness and had me some of the best sex Ive had since Dec. Before all of this one of my roomie alerted me that ratchedness was occurring in our home and to be prepared to start laughing when I got home... And laugh I did...

My housemate has this wonderful habit of picking the most random ass people from the most random of places and bring them to our house..... Now if anyone knows this housemate then they know that that girl is an actress on all levels... She does the most to get extar attention, which in turn makes her look really clingy, really lame, and it gets REALLY annoying, REALLY QUICK.. Thats why I dont bang with her like that anymore but I digress...

She got these random niggas in our house with another strange female Ive never seen in my life and this other girl who is about as annoying as my housemate is.... ANYWAY... You know everbody got fuckin on the brain... Two burly ass ques in our house with "Im about to get some pussy easy" All over they face.. LMAO And these broads preparing to get laid out, according to conversations I overheard while preparing for my fuck session. Now its kind of sad because all of these people seperately dont even hit a number higher than 7 on the sexy meter.. So whats with all five people tied up in a lil ass room together for?

Because these are some simple folks... I am 21 and I know them niggas had to be bout 24 so they know the deal.. FInd some dumb broads who just want to "chill" and "make new friends" and work it to the point that folks contemplating fucking.. But these girls not dumb... They know exactly what they doing... And since they "know" they think that they have the upper hand.. This is what a COMMON BITCH would think... But they forget that these men sized that situation prolly 2 min in the convo.. They know what it would take to hit and brought alcohol in the picture to make the work THAT much easier... Now they sitting there in that lil ass room.. Making a bunch of noise like a bunch of middle schoolers at a bday party... All yall could do me a favor and start fucking now so you could turn that damn music down so I can sleep the rest of this weed off... (My friend helped me sweat the rest of it out..lmao)

I guess Im writing about it to show how much of a big kid I am.. There is no need to find random niggas to feel cute.. I walk around knowing Im cute just by the looks I get from the trash man.. I look sexy as hell in bathing suit and CANT nobody make me feel better about myself than me... I dont need alcohol to convince myself that this is a good idea because I make that decision from jump just like a nigga.... Adding alcohol would just make the story fun after I make my decision. I dont need to joke and walk around to shake off the nervousness cuz if you coming to my house we gone be fucking in about ten minutes so you can go bout your way..lmao

These women who are about to be released into the real world havent even mastered playing the college game correctly so you know they gone be hella lost when they graduate.. And I shake my head sad because these COMMON BITCHES gone make the rest of us well trained women look like idiots.. Setting us up for the fall because they dumb.. Come on ladies, lets try to pretend that we have learned something from our mother, sisters, friends, a woman on the street.. SOMEBODY!!! Damn... Swagless women, with no idea how to conduct themselves around dick.. Get it together...

High Thoughts: SUBWAY=RACISM

So I got high as hell yesterday with one of the dope boys across the street. Thats right.. I was stuck outside my house and a 35 yr old man who had an 8 yr sentence and a 10 yr sentence, for what? I have no idea, offered me some kush. And get this!! He couldnt smoke cuz he was on the "urines" so he let me smoke the whole thing by myself. Can we say FTW?! Dude was extra cool and we had a good talk. After he left, (on his own) me and Mavis walked on down to Subway to fulfill the munchie desires.

As I sat on my floor smashin every part of that sandwhich I recapped what happened at the "restaurant". First of all this Subway is very nice and is on the corner of North Captial and Florida. This particular corner is full of homeless people, loud mouthed drunks, and people that would make most uncomfortable. One of the dudes that works there also works at the 24hr one over there past Galludet. So I ask him, "How come yall dont make this one 24hrs?" His response, " We dont have any glass. Plus its too nice in here."

WWWWHHHHAAAA?

Now I understand that staying open 24hrs is a security risk and all businesses need to take caution, but my mind wandered to who helps this particular establishment stay in business. We do-we as in negroes- give this Middle Eatern Subway their way of life. But yet the chillin on stereotypes about us jacking them for whatever because they dont have up bulletproof glass? Thats not right. 7-11 dont have up a glass and them Ethipopians keep that store open just to make that dollar. Same for the china man. But you, Mr. Middle Eastern, cant keep your business open because you dont have glass? Mr. Middle Eastern, the lowest minority on the stereotype totem pole. Mr. Middle Eastern, the man that wouldnt get hired because of the way you look, talk, and smell. You are discrimnating against my people?! Mr. Middle Eastern, do I shy away from you on the airplane because you might have a bomb strapped to you? Mr. Middle Eastern, do I trust your women less because I can only see they eyes past that weird getup yall make em wear? Mr. Middle Eastern do I not treat your people with the same respect as everyone else, DESPITE all the negative things going against you. But you delve into a stereotype that black people are more dangerous after sunset... And Im going to be cool with that? Howard done taught me better. It would be different if they had a reason to "put up a glass" like getting jacked on a constant basis. But no, you took the initative on your own to close the store early because you just KNEW that us niggas was gone try to take your shit.

THEN (yes that aint it) a homeless man that wasn't "weird" looking, being loud, or making folks feel uuncomfortable, politley asked if this Subway had a bathroom. This Indian <--Stereotype, said that the bathroom was broken.

Homeless Man: "Oh It's Broken. When its gonna get fixed?"
Bomb Toter: "Um Never"
Homeless BLACK Man: "Never? Yall never gonna fix the bathroom?"
Liar: "Yeah Never, ITs too much money to fix it."
Homeless Man: "Yeah because it's always broken"
Bitch: "Yeah so we are never gonna fix it so you have to use the bathroom somewhere else."

NOW IF THAT AINT SOME BULLSHIT I DONT KNOW WHAT IS?
Now Im sure that homeless people roll up in Subway all the time and ask to use the bathroom. And its Subway's business to deny anyone use of the bathroom. But even I was insulted. Just because the man was homeless doesnt mean that he's dumb. He couldve easily said, "The bathroom is for paying customers". No harm in that. But the excuse that that man used was stupid and disrespectful to that man and all those in earshot of the tomfoolery. Im kind of pissed now that I think about it. Another homeless man that was chillin told the homeless man where he would be accepted to take a piss.

I shouldnt have bought my sandwich. I shouldve started a scene. But I didnt. I let my high state and my munchies take over and I gave that piece of crap SUBWAY 8 dollars and 64 cents. I will never, NEVER give Subway another dime of my money because of the racism and discrimination portrayed yesterday. And because of what I saw yesterday, Im going to have to fight to not judge every Middle Eastern person I see. Because its clear to me that they do it automatically to us.

Him...

I wanna fall in love...