Im Old

I just left from my cousin's mixtape listening party. The boy is amazing and I was so proud that his last song had me sitting in the corner crying. Was I embarassed? of coure not.. I know that Im a lil crybaby when the time is right and at that moment, watching my cousin perform with such passion was... amazing... only tears could explain how I felt....

Earlier I had to talk with my man friend that has been trying to break my no boyfriend barrier for several weeks now... I think he had a hard time recognizing that I am a woman of my word and I truly do know what I want... There are several times that I have no idea what I want but as of today and of late, I have been very secure in my past, present, and the unknown future... I know who I am... And I love every bit of it.. And in a sense I know that he liked it because a lot of girls my age are still running all over the place with their concepts of life and love.. I know what I want/ dont want, and I am still ok with the things I dont know because I know that God will take care of everything...

I have been VERY homesick lately... I cant wait to be around my family, interact with them, sit down and watch tv with them, joke, argue, play games with... I miss them so much... I have recently realized that alot of people dont have a good relationship with their families and I do.. I love the people that my family surrounds themselves with... I appreciate their advice and Im constantly learning from them and I feel like my time here at Howard is ending at the right time.. I cant learn anymore here and even though Im scared, excited, anxious, sad, etc I know that Im ready and Ill be fine...

I say all these things to say that Im truly growing up.. Things that I found fun when I was younger arent fun anymore, things that I used to be attracted to are no longer cute (even though I attract some entertaining things)... I sat there and cried like a proud mother for someone else...ME and my roomie went to that listening party and realized that we had grown up so much that we saw things that we recognized in our younger selves.. We saw all the trials that had to go through to reach our mental state.. The eagerness for whats cool... It was incredible actually.. Tonight I saw myself in all of those 18 year old girls...

Now Im going on 22 years old... Becoming more observant while still keeping my youthful outlook on life in my pocket... Im mature now.. And Im happy about it... But I pray that my memory will always keep a constant connection to who I was so I will continue to grow into who I will become...

Hella Confused

There is a handsome, sweet, well-mannered, thoughtful, caring man after me. And Im scared to death. I dont want to hurt him with all my down falls but I dont want to miss out on what Ive been yearning for since I started having boyfriends. He makes me feel so special and I just have the feeling that I am going to find a way to mess it up and hurt him. Ive done it so many times before, but I know he's different. Well I want to believe that he was different. I want to treat him like he's different. I want our relationship to be different. But he wants something that I know that Im not ready for. I like being single.

In reality, I have been trying to deter him from pursuing me without him knowing that Im intentionally doing it.. Acting a lil irrational, not being consistent, telling him that Im a habitual cheater and have a tendency to hurt people. Ive told him the truth, silently hoping that he ends it before I accidentally do. But nothing I have said so far scares him. In a way I think all my negatives motivates him to try harder, as a way to prove to himself that he can make it work and to prove to me that he's worth the change. And he's right on both parts. But again, Im not ready.

Im not sure what I want to do when it comes to men. I like the concept of a stable exclusive understanding. The whole concept of titles always gets me and I feel that they mess things up. If we are good with no title than whats the point? But for some, a title is a big deal, sort of like a claim to property "Dinah is MY girlfriend". I guess Im just nervous. Im not used to the attention, the genuine feelings, his pursuit of me. Its new to me and its scary as hell. He did amazing things for Valentines Day and at the end of all the surprises, I sat in my room looking at my beautiful flowers and lilac candles and realized that Im not ready for a man like him. And if Im not be careful, he will become another victim of Dinah, the woman with amazing ability to crush a man's heart with a single act.

Apparently, "my friends" also think that me and him shouldnt be together. He did his research, as anyone should, and 5 out of 6 people told him "dont do it" One male friend told him that "I love dick". Now I admit that I am very open and my junior was a trial and error period for many men but to dissuade a good man from even attempting to try and make it work, well, hurt my feelings. I mustered up everything not to cry, but I couldnt help but think, am I so bad, in my friends eyes, that I am not worthy for a man like him? To not even attempt because Ill hurt him or take advantage? Is this how I come across to my "friends" when it comes to men?

Maybe it bothers me since I know that Im going through a transition phase and that Im not as dick driven as people have recently made it seem. I havent enjoyed sex since the last time I saw Justice. And thats because it was more than sex. It was two people enjoying what each other had to offer mentally, spiritually, and physically. We had fun together, we had secrets, and inside jokes. His mere presence made me happy and I can only assume that the same goes for him. But I guess because I learned to become a more private person my "friends" dont know that Dinah yet. So I cant be mad at them for sharing their honest feelings with him, but it hurt none the less.

So what to do with this amazing man. I dont know. And prolly wont ever know. Im just going through the motions and taking it day by day. Praying to all God that I dont mess it up and hurt him in the process.

Morning Tears

I have the opportunities and sadly the drive to be as promiscuous as I please. I know that I can fuck anybody that I want and be on to the next one just as easy. But I chose not to for several reasons. One its not becoming of a woman to be passed around, its no fun when you have all those men and never really have one, and feelings sometimes creep in and mess things up. I know all this. And I feel Ive been smart so far because of the decisions Ive made in my past. I know what to do to avoid hurt. But I know that I have trust issues. Always have since Aamir. Our whole relationship was a lie. And the more I dig deeper to find anything that was real I found more shit. So I havent had a boyfriend since then. I wanted one for a time, but it was more for stability and I learned that I had to get that for myself and on my own. And now Im good. I dont want or need a boyfriend at the moment. But I am a Leo. We arent the best relationship types because of our fiery personality and stubborn lifestyle, but when we do find a person worth our time, we are very passionate about it. We put our all in it. And when that shit crumbles. Its bad for pretty much everyone for a while.

Im at that point now. BUt what makes me mad is that I did it the right way.. What I felt was the right way...I established a relationship before. Ive known him for 4 years. He knows what I love, what I hate, my shortcomings, my strengths.. He knew all that. The first thing anyone ever knows from me is that Im honest as I can be. And if Im not honest its probably because I dont know how to say what I need to say in the right way. Because being honest doesnt mean I have to be offensive. If youve run into me and ask me what I hate... I'll tell you.. I HATE liars.. Id rather you tell me bad news and Im sad for a little while then get caught in a lie ESPECIALLY when I asked you straight forward and gave you a chance to be real with me... He knew that... And yet..

I caught his ass in a lie.. A lie that Ive asked him about several times over and over again.. I set myself up so that I wouldnt be in this situation, but I made the biggest mistake ever.. I trusted him.. And clearly I shouldnt have... Especially seeing that Ive always been iffy about his stories sometimes.. But I was always like "naw, He knows what I hate, and we're past that" I was wrong..

Now Im not on no "Niggas Aint Shit" tangent.. Thats for people who dont want to handle responsibility. I know I made myself to vulnerable and I got my feelings hurt.. Bad.. Now Im sitting in my room and cant leave because of th 16 inches of snow.. Sad, Crying, and listening to Jill Scott on Pandora... Trying to think of what a fool Ive been. Trying to fly his ass out here.. Planning the sweet things I would do for him when I came home.. The randomness we would be partaking of just because.. I wanted a taste of summer love.. And I put it all in him.. And I shouldnt have.. The downfalls of being a planner.. I tend to not leave room for other plans.. And then I get stuck where I am now.. Hurt, Confused, and trying to pick my pride from all over pillow.. But oh well.. I guess when I lied to myself when I said that 19 was the last age I would cry over a man.. Here I am.. Going into my 22nd year of life.. As confused as a middle schooler whose first bf just dumped her for someone else... Shitty part is.. He wasnt even a bf for me to get dumped.. But it hurts all the same.. Time to reevaluate myself.. And my relationship with men... Which plan should I pick now.. Cuz so far all of mine suck...