Power

I know my power... I know that I have tricks up my sleeve that can bend anyone's will in order to be my own... I know what a kiss on the neck will do.. A sweet smile that only he can see... The use of my lil ass to slyly rub across your dick... I know the obvious trick of the trade..

Since I also know myself I can use world wide knowledge of a woman and turn it to be my own personal game... And I love playing games.. I love putting a word in a nigga's ear that always enters his mind when I see him across the class...Texting him in the middle of the night with all kinds of foolishness blended with subtle seriousness...We both know we know better.. But we cant help it.. Its fun and the imagination does wondrous things when you know it will never come to reality.. So behind close doors, hidden in our phones and inside jokes, we play every single game that there is to play... But in public, we play it cool and respectful..

I love these kind of relationships... They always lead to the unexpected later to be determined as a positive or negative.. But at the present, its spontaneous and because its wrong, it makes whatever "it" is more exciting... The kind of interactions that, when your main one is laying aside you a sleep, you smile thinkn of what shouldn't have been...

I have this power.. And just the thought of it makes me.. Well.. You can guess... The power a woman is in three places... her heart, her mind, and her pussy...Learning to balance the three takes a while, some heartbreak, bad dick, and confusion.... And its only the first part.. When that balance is created then you have to know which part of you should lead in a certain situation... Your heart shouldnt lead with an infatuation, your pussy shouldnt lead with lust, and your mind shouldnt lead with things that are spontaneous.... The power of a woman is also her downfall....

Have a boyfriend? What made him different from everyone else? Does that same thing apply now? Or have you gotten comfortable and forgotten what powers you possess? The quickest way to let your man wonder is to allow some other womans power conquer him...There is always a woman who can fuck better than you, spit game better than you.. But if your powers are intact you can make sure that man isnt interested in pursuing any tricks another woman has.. And we all have tricks...

Ladies, if you dont want someone like myself to use her powers to her full advantage I suggest you get uncomfortable and use your mind, your heart, and your pussy...

"Youre a damn fool for you letting your man out the house, Obviously forgetting that women like me are out to get your spouse."-Random thought this morning

Bling Bling

What are the main thoughts that run through your head throughout the day? And when you rest your body at night, what prepares you for a hopefully good sleep? What thoughts carry over into the next morning? Ive been reading Proverbs as a continuing journey to form a better relationship with God and I fell in love with Chapter 3:13-16. It reads:

" Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor."

Every night I lay down in my bed and just think for about a good five minutes about my day. Lately Ive been pleased but there is always one thing I could have donor said differently that could have increased my wealth. There is always a situation that could have been handled better or a thought that shouldn't have been automatic as it ran through my mind. So what do I do? I pray that God give me another chance to prove to him that I can recognize the opportunity for Him before it has passed. I cant beat myself up anymore. Or stress about what cant be changed or controlled. All I can do is learn, pray,read, and then live. Im a work in progress, with sex being one of my biggest downfalls. But I know I have gotten better. Sex doesn't consume me as much because I have put my focus somewhere else.

When I wake up in the middle of the night, I used to stress about money, my parents, grad school, whether I was going to heaven or hell. But now before a negative thought enters my mind, I pray to God first before the Devil can use my mind as his playground. And it has made the biggest difference in my life in the year 2010. Just a slight change in how I think brought so much relief to my life. Idle thought of horniness doesnt ruin my day to the point that I cry, become depressed or angry. I feel the tingle, but its for the most part, just a tingle. I try my best not to let things that are not important, positive, or healthy consume my thoughts anymore.

Im loving that Im a work in progress because I appreciate the small changes in my life. And when I get more established in my relationship with Christ, I pray that I continue to find the joys in the little and the big things that God does for me. My focus has changed, and yeah I glance around every now and then, it always leads back to wisdom and understanding.

As For Me Myself

Im standing in the kitchen going over the conversations that I has today and laughing to myself. I am a very experimental person but I let my conscious and my "do good" attitude prevent from trying what some might call, outlandish. I think its a good thing that I at least identify the person that I could be if I were to let loose. I have thought about getting my lip pierced, my tounge pierced, my nipples pierced, and Divine pierced as well. I found an excuse as to why I shouldnt get any of those things ( I want a job). But just the thought of getting them is so sexy to me. I realize that I am a VERY sexual being, so I tend to find all those piercings very erotic. I also had some homosexual thoughts. What if I were to date a woman? Or be into girls and boys? Of course I would still keep it safe but what if? Would my group of friends change? Would my outlook on certain political arenas differ from what I have now? I killed the lesbian/bi-sexual ideal mainly because I know its a sin and that it would kill my parents. But still I did think about it.

I say all this to lead to my point. Are you comfortable with who you are? Can you sit in a room by yourself and think about all things you love/hate about yourself and why? And after that are you able to love yourself even more for being ok with your highs and lows? As a senior in college, I realized that this is may be the last time that I get to wild out, yet Im ok with settling down because I know that Im ok just the way I am. Ive had my lets ho it out year. Ive gotten my tats. I smoke weed and drink. I know, for me, that I have done all the wildin out that I need to do during my college years. But some people force being experimental just cuz they can. Im to old for that shit. I know what should fly and what doesnt. I also know that my mindset sets me up for future endeavors like finding a husband. I want to be married or at least engaged by the time Im 25. Crazy? Perhaps, but thats what I want. Now I know that I cant make a man propose to me, but I can make myself the best wifey material I can be. And that starts with how I think. I think highly of myself, flaws and all, and I dont require that much from my husband. In the end, I just want him to be able to deal with my retardation and love me like crazy despite some of ways. And I want to feel the same for him. I want to love the shit out of my husband despite how mad he makes me.

So when you prepare yourself for the person you want to become in the future, ask yourself, "Am I good with who I am now?" Because if youre not loving yourself now, how do you expect to become the person you hope to become. Its progression and although there are things that you may need to work on, you should at least have the overall feeling that makes you feel like you the shit. I know I am. And I am crazy, triflin, emotional, and needy at times. But I love me still. Can you say the same?

Relapse

Yesterday January 14 and during the very beginning of this very day, I had a severe relapse. NOt only did I have a bootycall in the middle of the day, I also smoked of the tree of life (stole that one) and had sex again. Yes I brought back my signature move of being greedy and doubled up my dick. Now Im awake.. Still kinda burning inscence in my room to get rid of the weed smell and thinking, "Do I regret what I just did?" The first sexual act was with none other than my one weakness from since junior year. Its just so great with him because we truly have accomplished the no strings attached sexual relationship that everybody wants but for some reason cant achieve. To prove my last statement Ill tell you what happened after the act. I gave him advice on how to make his relationship last with his girlfriend. While we walking down the street lo and behold, who's coming towards us? None other than missy herself in all her stanky boo boo face glory which clearly was a subliminal warning that I betta stay away from her man. lol To bad thatll prolly never happen. Weve tried to leave each other alone. Lets just say its merely impossible. I was panicking on the inside but played it cool on the out side. I just shifted my bag swiped my hair, and started laughing when both of them were behind me.

I read this paper of the 4 different roles a girl can have to a dude: Wifey, Jump-Off, Baby Girl, and the side piece. Ill let you read the description of each on youre own.

http://www.examiner.com/x-1588-Philadelphia-Urban-Social-Examiner~y2009m3d2-4-types-of-women-girl-friends

From the events of yesterday and our past relationship history, I would have to go with me being his babygirl. Prime reason: Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is extremely private and hates causing a scene, baby girl can come into the same restaurant as you and wifey and wifey will have no idea you two even know each other. Alot of people know that I like being the hiatus for dudes in relationships. Its hard to stay faithful if the girl isnt keeping it spicy. I should know, Ive never been faithful to one person( except for my first love). And seeing that I dont want a bf now, its the best kind of relationship to havve in my circumstance because at the end of the day, I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES.. And I LOVE that.

The only thing with the sexing is that I really wasnt feeling it.. Not like he wasnt doing a good job, But I really just wasnt in the mood.. But seized the opportunity because there are many days when I do want to have sex and no one is around. Hey Im a slight opportunist, kill me. The second sex session was better, I guess. Probably more so because of the weed. Because I was actually really sleepy and he requires so much stuff.. But N-E Whoo, I did what I had to do and went to sleep.

Now the post before this is talking about my relationship with God. So it might look like Im being a hypocrite. But I feel like this time is different. I actually feel kind of bad for doing something that I know I didnt want to do.. And I feel bad because I allowed myself to relapse so quickly. That is a problem for me. So I have to opposing forces battling: What I should do and What I actually do. Its gonna be hard long process, as stated in previous blogs, but Im gonna keep trying. So while I clean up my room and airout the stench of the herb, Ill try to find the pros from yesterday and learn my lesson. Whatever that is.

Baby Steps

I just finished having a facebook chat convo ( I know..lol) with my good friend Omy F Baby... I met him when I was pageant coordinator and he seemed to stand out among all my residents and among alot of the men that I have met at Howard. He's always had a different way of thinking and things that are norms for majority of the men I know are by no means a priority for him. He has always been focused on the bigger picture and living a life worth something. Over the break something happened and he rededicated his life to Christ. That for me coming from him is a big deal not because he's a heathen or someone that would deny a higher being. He's just always been looking everywhere for some clarity and when he found it he fell hard. From his statuses, you can tell that his whole world has changed based off of a concept that many people, including myself, know about but only use it when necessary or appropriate.

When Im in Houston, I go to church every Saturday no questions. We have worship pretty much every Friday to bring in the sabbath. I know what I have to do in order to keep my relationship with Christ in tact but I have been straddling the fence since about Junior year. I attended church when I was away at school, but I was just waiting for the night to come so I can run to the house party or sex up some boy when he was ready. Ive always had that voice in my head that pressed on my heart to do the right thing in God's eyes but I kind of brushed it to the side until the morning when I would just "ask God to forgive my sins". Now that Im training my focus to be more on Christ, I know that praying after I commited the sin is no good and in some ways, very disrespectful. I am taking advantage of God's willingness and ability to forgive me of any sin that I can commit so I can do what I want to guilt free. But unfortunately, for me, there is no such thing as guilt free and I always second guess my consequences after the fact.

Prime example, I have had my encounters of unprotected sex, and always thought afterwards what would happen if I were to catch HIV. And everytime I go to tested Im nervous thinking about how God would judge me when I got to the pearly gates to plead my case? How would my parents think after all the "True Love Waits" programs Ive attended? And if anything, the common sense of using protection if I was going that route? But about a week or two of my negative test results, Im back to do what I want and praying after, thinking only about the instant satisfaction.

I know that my life is not promised to last until tomorrow, next week, next month... Cliche yes but people are dying around me everyday and I choose to see it now versus when I was younger and decided to ignore what wasnt pleasant. I also know that one of these days my consequences for my actions arent going to be as light as a guilty conscious. I have to make a point in my life to actively pursue a healthier life style in the sight of God. And its going to be hard. I like doing what I want and have made it a practice in my life to do what makes me happy. Im not saying that living closer with Christ is going to make life boring, but there are certain things that make me happy now that wont cut it in the eyes of God and have to come to an end. Plus, Im always bragging on how God always takes care of me but yet I barely pay him any attention in any form (prayer, meditation, reading the bible) I use Him when its convenient or fits in my schedule and then want to say how God has taken care of me. I know that he always will but if I continue to walk around straddling the fence in the end I wont be to happy. Now it wont be an instant change I know that for sure, but I can say this.. My Bibile will be moving closer to the bed instead of being in a box on my bookshelf so it can be the first thing I read when I wake up in the morning. Baby steps are all God needs to do big things. Look at Omy..

Im back at 206 for the last semester at HU and Im really glad to be here. I know that this semester is going to be very interesting for reasons untold because I have no idea what is to come. And Im excited about the change!! Even more, is the fact that I have a changed mindset so things will automatically different because my reaction will be different. But this thought has come to my mind: What if there are certain things that I dont want to change just because it kept left interesting? Mainly Im talking about my infamous love for sex. The team players have also returned with no recruits added to the list and are ready to get started. After justice I realized that Im not down for the lets fuck you you and you tip anymore. So what do I do? Ignore the call of the penis Ive already had? Deny my curiosity for the new things with dick to possibly be had? Im not sure yet.

I think Im going to play it like Vivca Fox would in one of her movies. You know Vivca was always a step ahead of her men in her movies. And when they caught up she always had a trick up her sleeve to maintain her upperhand and sophistication, which in the end bolstered her sex appeal as a woman as a whole. I can say that Im good at twisting things to get my way but instead of doing it for a reaction, Im going to have to use my powers for good. But most importantly, Im going to have fun, deal with minimal to no bullshit, and learn lessons along the way. Gentleman start your engines, Dinah's ready for a ride.

She Say, I Say

I have had internal issues with a certain friend for some time and I always consult my two very real friends Mav's and Roy for advice. To me, her maturity and thinking level is well below mine. I had my time when I was like fuck every nigga and do what I want, but now Im at the stage where Im more concerned about how I feel when I wake up in the morning versus who puts me to bed. I have my mishaps now and then but Ive grown up and sex while still a favorite pastime, is not the big of an issue anymore. But I digress. This young lady to me is so hypocritical and judgmental its sad. I believe that if you dont agree with someone or something than you just dont agree with it. But to label other people for them going against your personal grain is immature and very narrowminded. And day by day I feel like she is subliminally calling me out because of the things I do that she doesnt.

I watch porn. According to her, porn is for whores.
Im going to a strip club when I get back to school, and if I enjoy it I will go again. Again Strip Clubs are for whores.
I smoke weed. "People who smoke weed are unattractive"

As most people know I do what I want, and I based off of my 4.0 this semester and pretty balanced mindsight, I can do that. But for someone to lowkey judge pretty much everything I do makes me want to do the same thing.

I dont call her a whore for sleeping with random people and then claiming that each ones head is "amazing".
I dont judge her for getting all dramatic over shit that doesnt matter with niggas that arent wortth two cents because her life is pretty boring.
I didnt call her naive, stupid, immature for refusing to get an HIV test because she got one a "month" ago.
I dont call her a hypocrite for letting niggas smoke it up in her room although weed is "unattractive" and she has asthma.

I try my best to keep my feelings to myself because all though I dont agree with much of the things she says or thinks, I still love her to death as my friend. Shes the person that i can crack retarded jokes with. She makes sure that Im okay when I have a sucky ass day. The random things she says are sometime the most hilarious things Ive heard all day. And I know she has my back at all times, even when I slept with the nigga she had in her room one night.

So what does this mean? Im not sure. Im not gonna drop her as a friend because as a person I love the shit out of her. But seeing that I know consciously that we are going in two different directions I have to react differently towards her. I have to moderate what I say and do around her. I have to make sure that I dont let the things she does upset me because I am believer in everyone having their own opinion. I have to take the things that I have learned and apply it to today so that I wont let someone else dictate how Im going to act, feel, say, or do. I started by unfollowing her on twitter.

Am I scared that I may hurt her feelings in the future? No. Ill simply explain myself as to why I did what I did. And if she still doesnt get it, then its simply a difference of opinion.

Dinah J

I thought I wanted my first post to be extra deep, or funny or something to form some feelings by my readers. I have read my old blog and that shit was VERY entertaining and all true, but I kinda grew up from then. I have still have a lot of shit to say. People tell me they wanna hear it. So here it is. On this eighth day of January in the year 2010, I Dinah Jamelia Pena, have begun a four month journey to graduating. Im gonna talk about me, niggas, my parents, God, sex (the lack of or great abundance of..lol) and whatever pops into my head. Why Hinsight is Always 20/20 for a title? Because thats one of the realest quotes Ive heard in my life. You always know what to do, what to say, how to act AFTER the fact. This year will be full of actions that I may regret, be proud of, question, but I know that its only after the day is done that Ill truly know the right thing to do. And when I figure it out, Ill write it down to share for others to learn from and apply before something happens or compare after shit goes down. Whatever you take this for is not really my concern, Im doing whats best for me, a lesson learned hindsight of 2009.